Why You Gatta Lie

Hater Tuesday has moved

2005-08-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

I've moved bitches. Update them bookmarks. RSS at the new site.

http://www.hatertuesday.com or click here you lazy bastard.

I've moved bitches

2005-07-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

HATER TUESDAY HAS FOUND A NEW HOME.

KEEP THE HATE ALIVE - HTTP://WWW.HATERTUESDAY.COM

SUBSCRIBE TO THE RSS AND GET IT DELIVERED. BITCHES.

Ladies and Gentleman

2005-06-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

It's Mutherfucking Hater Tuesday

It's real bitch.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-06-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

Put this hate in your pipe and smoke it...
The self-loathing and a lessoned learned edition.

Nazi Nightclubs I have never, ever, ever been kicked out of a nightclub before. Ever. Last week I got escorted/kicked out of a nightclub during a hip-hop show because I was smoking pot. Yes I know smoking weed is illegal. However, in a small as nightclub where loads of other people are smoking pot all around you and there is a fog machine going non stop it seems a little ridiculous to start kicking people out for passing the douchey on the left hand side. If you are going to kick someone out you should also think about being a tad nice until you have a reason to be mean. Some A-hole with a mohawk approached my friend and I and abrubtly yelled at us, "ALL RIGHT LET'S GO...YOU'RE GONE!" We responded with confused looks and a resounding "WHAAAA?" but we cooperated (We didn't want to cause a scene and fuck up other people's time) Mohawky walked us outside and attempted to keep his hand on my shoulder the whole time like I was gonna run or something. I removed his hand from my shoulder and asked him not to touch me as it was completely unnecessary. When we got outside I attempted to speak with him about the situation and he barked, "GO DOWN TO THE CORNER AND DON'T COME BACK!" he didn't even attempt to warn us or tell us why he was bent or take anything away from us (we were smoking a joint that had long been extinguished when he came and kicked us out) I got super pissed and yelled "You're an asshole and I certainly will not be coming back. Ever" We then walked away and went back to my house. I was livid. I hate Assholes. Why be a dick when you can be civil and get just as much done? Why? Don't be a dick.

Curiosity Curiosity killed the cat. That's the saying right? Normally I am not a nosy person. In fact I pride myself on being non-judgmental and generally laid back when it comes to people's lifestyles, habits, likes, dislikes ect. I never ever look into people's medicine cabinets or snoop around because I wouldn't want anyone to do something like that to me. I am an honest person so I'd prefer that you just ask me what it is that is making you curious and I can tell you or tell you to fuck off. Simple as that. Well, for some odd reason this past weekend I was struck with a curious moment and happened to be accompanied by another curious party...that is a bad combination. We were getting ice from a friends freezer when we came across a hair in the freezer. The person who's home we were at has dogs. Dogs have hair. Sometimes hair gets in the darndest places. Its no biggie really. I have a cat, her hair is everywhere. There is probably hair in my freezer right now. Anyhoo...I mentioned to the person I was with while we were looking in the freezer and discussing the hair, that I have always been fascinated by the contents of freezers. People freeze the most random shit. My mom freezes shit like bacon grease and ham bones and random bits of left over soup that never get eaten. So I pointed to a jar in the freezer door and I said "Like that...I have always wondered what that is...it's probably bacon grease or beans or some shit but for some reason I have always wondered what it is" My companion (also it should be noted that we were both tipsy and not using the best of judgment) looked at me and said, "Let's find out" I shrugged, grabbed the jar and handed it to her. She walked over to the sink and started rinsing off the ice on the outside and immediately started making a puzzled face. The her eyes got really, really, really wide. She thrust the jar into my face and shouted - "ITS FUCKING MICE!" Then she started fucking with the jar like she was going to open it. She kept taunting me with the jar and shaking it around in disbelief, thrusting it at me to look closer. This made me scream like a little girl. Loud. Real Loud. I should also mention that there was a party going on - so our collective screaming caused a semi-scene and alerted the owner of the house and the freezer and the jar of mice to come into the kitchen to find us nosy bitches with jar of mice in hand. I was so embarrassed. So embarrassed. We got we deserved. Don't be nosy. It's rude.

Anixiety Is there anything worse than the overwhelming sense of anxiety? I think not. If you have ever had a panic/anxiety attack you will most certainly be nodding your head in agreement whist you read this. If you have not you will most likely be saying something like - are those real or just stupid excuses for people who can't deal with life. Whatever your experience let me commiserate or just tell you that they suck. Bad. It is the most harrowing experience ever and if you are a control freak like me it is devastating. Anxiety is a cunt face. I am her bitch. Don't be her bitch.

Bank Of America You're nothin' but a itty bitty little girl to me. I hate you. Watch me take my account to Wells Fargo or some other evil mega-corporate money watcher. You are a bitch ass bitch.

Player(s) of the Week:
My best bud Lolly and her husband Ed

These bitches keep it real. Really real...but not when "Keeping It Real Goes Bad" Real. Just Really Real. They have me over for dinner, get me drunk and stoned and then let me crash out and snore on thier spare couch. Then they wake me up and make me delicious breakfast, coffee and let me watch TV all day in their living room. They even pick me up from the BART station and everything. They came up with the best hook ever this week. "You ain't nothin' but a little itty bitty girl to me......an itty bitty girl to me" We all make up sweet hooks for R&B songs we have never written. I am starting to think an audio log of all the sweet hooks needs to be created and archived for our future children. By "our future children" I mean Ed and Lolly's kids. I will just borrow them on weekends and then give them back. Our children will be the most beautiful children of all because they will be singing along the words to Graham Parsons and Misfits by the time they are 4 or 5. They will also be well versed in regional Bay Area slang as well as understanding the correct usage of words like "Louche" and "Irascible"

Jessica Simpson

I have to give it up to Jessica Simpson yet again for proving she ain't no dummy. Way to get naked, shake your tits and still capture the heart of America. I can't wait for the "Boots" video to get on TRL and have Soccer Moms everywhere freaking out because their wholesome, down-home girl is damn near booty ass nekkid on their TV givin their 10 yr old boys their first Christian hard-ons. I can hear it now, "STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEN! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING....OOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOODNESS...DAVID, GET IN HERE AND SEE WHAT YOUR SON IS WATCHING....I'M CALLING COMCAST....I THOUGHT WE HAD A V-CHIP.....COVER YOUR EYES STEVEN....I SAID COVER YOUR EYES"

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY!

2005-06-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

I could apologize to you all for not posting a Hater Tuesday last week but that would defeat the purpose of this blog which is to hate on everything. So fuck ya'll if you missed last Tuesday's post. I had hella shit to do and had to do real life hating so there was just no time to post. Deal with it. You're lucky you got a post today. I barely had time to pen this garbage.

Why is it so bright outside? Can someone please explain why each time I leave the office the sun tries to scorch my retinas? If the sun could be less bright that would be ideal.

Irrational demands are so 2004. Will someone please send out a bulk memo encouraging people to be more realistic about the stuff they want and need in their daily lives.

Inhalers taste like assholes. Each time I inhale a hit off my puffer, it feels like someone is gently blowing a fart into my mouth. A dry stinky bitter fart right into my lungs...thus resulting in about 10 minutes of breathing farts in and out of my lungs. Can someone invent an Albuterol Inhaler that tastes like chocolate?

Whole Foods. I love it. I hate it. Why is it so fucking expensive. It has come to my attention that I spend waaay more money than I need to be spending on lunch at Whole Foods on a daily basis. I totally understand why it is called Whole Paycheck by the haters. Also can they get a fucking coffee bar that sells good tasting coffee already?

Tit Talkers. Yes girls have boobs. Some girls have big boobs. Some girls have little boobs. Even if we show our boobs a little bit does not mean we want you to address them personally. I have hated on this before but it is a recurring problem and I feel like it needs to be hated on again. This past weekend some tool in a striped shirt and fancy jeans from the Marina came to the Bing Ji Ling show and adressed my boobs directly. He looked into them and then proceeded to ask them if they would like to take shots. Don't talk to my boobs please. Talk to me.

Long Summer Days. Dude I love summer as much as the next guy but seriously why are the days so damn long. I got here some time ago and it's only 3. Only 3! I feel like it should be more like 5 or 6. I'd really like to go home now but I have at least 4 more hours here. Ugg.

Player of the Week:

Bam Margera's ex Jen

She called into a Philadelphia radio station this week to announce that Bam fucked Jessica Simpson and Johnny Knoxville. You go girl...get your bitter bitch on.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY!

2005-05-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

The White Edition -

Joss Stone - Gap White Jeans Campaign - "EEEEEhhhheeeeeewwwwwww-eeeeeeeehooooohooooooooo-AAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhooooooo-wwwwwwaaaahhhhhhhhhh -The niiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhwwwwiiiighhhht tiiiiioooome, is the riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhht tiiiiooooooome" You've all heard it. You've all seen it. Why is it still happening? Joss sounds like someone is squeezing her into the smallest jeans ever while she sings this song. Her voice is too big and over worked - she needs to stop listening to Mary White, Beyonce and Aretha right now. I'd prefer if she sang in a whispy summery voice that would go more with white jeans. Instead she sings as if she is pushing out the biggest shit of her life into those tight white jeans. Also as 's hubby pointed out this weekend - "I have no problem with watching asses wriggle around in white jeans. In fact, I enjoy it, but what I do not enjoy is being tricked into watching under 18 year old asses in white jeans wiggle and writhe. That's not fair" Well said my friend, well said.

iPods Let me preface this by saying I love my iPod. When we first got together I was so sprung. We were inseparable. I couldn't think about leaving the house with out him. We've been together now for 2 years, this Christmas will be our 3rd anniversary. But, things have been different lately. He only wants to play for like an hour and then he goes to sleep without telling me. He is showing decreased interest in our relationship, sometimes shutting down completely and not coming back on for hours. I did some research and it turns out he never intended to be with me forever - he is only capable of being totally committed for a year. I suppose I am lucky he has stayed with me this long, but I mean, why should I have to pay to continue our relationship? A hundred bucks? Just to get my battery changed? Are you fucking kidding me? You can take your white ear buds and shove them up your ass Steve Jobs. I'm pissed. That little machine cost my mom like $400 bucks and just 2 years later I have to shell out another $100 bucks to keep this thing bumpin? Fuckers.

Cameron Diaz in Trippin' I watched this show for the first time last night. Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake,Jimmy Fallon and Talib Kweli were "Trippin" in Tanzania, Africa. All I could think while watching was, "Poor Talib Kweli" there he was, stuck in the Serengeti with three of the whitest people ever. (Don't get me wrong, I love white people. Some of my best friends are white people. Heck, my dad is a white person.) They are driving around, riding in hot air balloons and visiting places like Gong Rock - where ancient African civilizations from the area used to gather and make acoustic music using just this big hollow rock thing. When you pound it with other rocks it makes a wide variety of tones that are used to harmonize with voices and shit. Pretty dope actually....that is until Jimmy Fallon plugs in his iPod to one of those portable speaker docking stations and starts blasting "Africa" by Toto...cause yeah, you guessed it they are in AFRICA!!! They pan quickly over to Talib Kweli's face while Justin, Jimmy and Cameron all prance around like assholes yelling "I guess it raaaains down in Affffriicaaaaaaaaah" the look on his face was priceless. You could physically see him straining not to roll his eyes or make the "pffvvvtttt fucking white people" face. I wish he would have.
****Oh and don't try to comment with some bullshit about how Cameron Diaz is of Latin decent. Sure her Dad is Cuban, but she has done little to nothing to support her Cuban heritage other than acknowledge that her Dad is in fact Cuban and that is why she is on the 100 Hottest Latinas or whatever. Bitch is white. JT is more Latina than she is.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

JESSICA SIMPSON

Hay baby, do you. Just do you. Don't you worry about what nobody says about nuthin'. You're the star in that relationship, we all know this. We know that Nick is hot and like totally supportive but he can't keep you down. You're young, beautiful, white, blonde, a talented singer and now actress - spread those wings and fly girl, fly like a bird, you've got to fly away, you don't know where you're home is......you've got to know where you're soul is. If I were you my soul would be in Johnny Knoxville's pants too...but not Fred Durst's pants, cause his pants are dirty and his cock is small.

HATER TUESDAY PART DUEX

2005-05-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

tuned into upn last night at 9:15 a little upset with myself for forgetting that Britney and Kevin were gonna be on the TV box. fortunately, the show was even worse than i imagined and i immediately was glad that i had spared myself at least 15 minutes of unnecessary confusion.

did anyone else watch that train wreck? holy fuck was it bad. and i don't mean in a this-is-so-bad-its-good-surreal life kind of way. it was just bad. i could literally hear britney's record sales dropping, no falling, no careening to a halt during the one-hour program. i use the word "program" loosely. it seems as if either britney came up with the mastermind idea to tape her day-to-day life while on tour over seas and then sold the crappy footage to the highest bidder.

basically the "show" proves with out a doubt that britney is a washed up hag who fancies herself much smarter and sophisticated than she is. however, the show did affirm al of my britney theories.

1. bitch is all smoke and mirrors - she needs to work on that skin, bitch is u-g-l-y without like 5 pounds of makeup and airbrushing.
2. bitch is backwoods hick for life - totally clueless, ya'll
3. bitch is slightly crazy and certainly diluted - her "antics" and her goofiness are very fake. i claim stupid is as stupid does. she is also surrounded by a team of people that perpetuate her clueless-ness and her warped self-perspective.
4. bitch gets freaky and wasted - virgin my ass! like any good country girl, she has been spreading since she realized she had a vagina. also she has been sippin on moonshine and doing backwoods blow for at least the last 8 years. did you see her skin?
5. funkybiznatch is right - he did it all for the nooky and the dough - once upon a time, my friend kelly and I were in Safeway. I picked up a magazine with Brit on the cover and flipped through the pages, confused, with a look of disgust on my face. I turned to kelly and said, "Okay there are only two reasons a girl would let herself go like this, drugs and dicknotization - lots of blow and a good deep dicking can make you crazy" or something like that. last night there were so many and i do mean "sooooo many" references to how many times she had sex on any given day (she boasted 3 times on one day and explained that her "glow" was the result). all she taked about was sex. she also at one point while pointing the camera at a shirtless kevin says, "lets just stay in and fuck all day". evidently all that fucking worked out okay, now she's knocked up and completely destroyed her career just cause of some dick. part of me wants to sleep with KFeds just to see what the big fuss is about. how is it possible that someone like Cletus, er Kevin, a burn-out from Fresno can dicknotize and knock up Hollywood bitches left and right?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY!

2005-05-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

Today's hater tuesday is dedicated to everyone in hip-hop and r&b except for R. Kelly. Ya'll are busters and can't write songs to save your life. Until you all try to be more like R. Kelly, I will hate on you.

If this post confuses you, please listen to Trapped In The Closet Part 1. Then listen to Trapped In The Closet Part 2 - this isn't out yet, but it willbe soon, it will all make sense to you then. Mark my words.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN ITS HATER TUESDAY

2005-05-10T14:43:00.000-07:00

Up to bat

My Job Sure it's better than selling jeans at Express, but really it's entirely to much for me at the moment. It's making me cranky, stressed out and generally bitter. Even more bitter than I usually am. I think I am most angry because we have a show Thursday at the Great American Music Hall that will keep me from being here where I really, really, really want to be. Patton Oswalt in conversation with The Onion? Geez that is like a total wet dream. I am going to cry on Thurs when I am watching stupid rap music and not laughing until my belly hurts. I may embark on a city wide "Find-Patton-and-buy-him-a-scotch-so-that-we-can-be-best-friends" fan-girl mission. I am such a nerd.

Renee Zelwegger's Pouty-ass Face Bitch be suckin on lemons. Nuff said.

Soup Sniffers The Whole Foods here has a soup bar. The soup bar has a sneeze-gaurd for a reason. That reason being to keep your nasty nasal cavities as far away from the soup as possible. Why is it that people feel compelled to pick up the ladle, bring it to their nose and then sniff it? Don't they see the sign that reads, "IF YOU WOULD LIKE A SAMPLE, PLEASE ASK, WE WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP YOU!" I guess technically sniffing isn't sampling but seriously it's worse. Who knows what may drop from you nose into the soup? I don't want you breathing on the soup that I plan on eating. If you want to smell the soup, get a sample and smell that. Don't subject the entire pot of Black Bean goodness to your nasty schnoz. The worst part is that 95% of the soup smellers NEVER buy the soup.

Muni Bus Drivers You guys know that one part in Signs by Snoop Dogg and Justin Timberlake where Justin sings the little ad lib in Snoop's verse that goes " Now you're stepping to a G from Los Angeles......Where the helicopters got cameras" Well I wrote my own version for SF using that same melody and it goes "In San Francisco, Where the muni drivers smell like passengers" and there is an alternate that goes "Where the Muni drivers crazier than passengers" I wrote it because it's true. When I leave here late I take the bus and 9 out of 10 Muni busdrivers stink like a mutherfucker and or are completely looney. There is one guy who talks to himself while he drives and ask a bunch of rhetorical questions rather loudly. The questions range from relevant "EVERRRRYONE REAAADY TO GO.....WELL, HOLD ON!" to well insane "WHO KNOWS WHAT CORNER WE ARE ON AND WHAT HAPPENED HERE ON MARCH 13, 2003?" Most of the time he just announces bus stops and directs passengers to "HOLD ON TIIIGHT" using a creepy carnie-esque voice, but when he is having a special day the looney tunes questions are non stop. And god forbid you actually respond cause he will flip out and get pissed. He kept asking weirdo questions the other day and this crazy street man was on the bus yelling out equally looney answers. It was pretty amazing to watch and listen actually but I ended up getting off the bus like 3 blocks before my house because it was getting semi-heated. I noticed that about 2 stops ahead the crazy street man was thrown off the bus. I could see him stumbling onto the curb. I only assume Maniac-Muni threw him off for out crazy talking him. Fucking Muni.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

This week the gold and the glory goes to Lindsay Lohan for proving once and for all her tits are real. Too bad she had to do a bunch of blow and damn near disappear to prove those cans were really hers. If them shits were fake she would be walking around looking like Tara Ried in this bitch.

P.S. E True Hollywood stories on both Tara Ried AND Dolly Parton this weekend. I am so staying home.

P.P.S. Jay Z came out of retirement to drop this verse on Memphis Bleek's new record. Hopefully it will not be a crappy record like the last two Memphis Bleek records. Wait who am I kidding? We all know this will be wack. Also can we retire the sped up soul chorus already? Sorry Kanye that shit is played now.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY!

2005-05-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

the list in no particular order of hatred

1. Erratic Suppliers - You're a pot dealer, it's your job to have good weed all the time. If you can't do that, stop selling weed and sell insurance instead. P.S I don't care if it's special, I'm not paying extra.

2. The Distracted Phone Call -It happens to all of us. We answer the phone because we really want to talk to someone, yet our geographic or social location does not allow for a proper phone conversation. Nothing worse than being on the other end of the line with a person who is talking to like 15 people physically near them instead of to you. Too busy to talk? Don't answer the phone. That is what voicemail is for.

3. People Who Don't Listen (mainly interns or hired help) - People explain directions for a reason, they want it done a certain way. That means your brain should go off and you should listen to the directions and execute them. This does not mean that you should fain listening and then proceed with the task doing it your own way and completely ignoring explicit instructions. You are not being helpful. I am serious.

4. The Knots In My Back - I have two large knots in my back the size of Fuji apples. They hurt, real bad. I'd like a massage now please.

5. Passive-Aggression - That shit will kill you. Get the hate out. Say what's bothering you. Don't harbor and make snide comments under your breath. If you think I should sweep something, ask me. Don't lean a broom against a wall in hopes that I will see it. That is so 1955 housewife.

6. Walk-Along-Side-You-And-Ask-For-Change-Homeless-Guy - I am not impressed by your motivation to actively seek change. I am not impressed that you are stepping out of the box in your search for handouts and have decided to lose the sign and go for the personal touch. Just because you walk along side me and give me multiple reasons why I should give you change, does not mean that I will share my pennies with you. In fact, it makes me just want to walk faster so that you will run to catch up and then just before you catch up, I will put my arm out to clothesline you. Are you impressed now?

7. Spam Filters That Do Not Filter- Sort of an obvious hate, I know, but this morning has been insane. How is it possible that my Spam filter thinks that I really want an email with a subject line that reads - "RE: Chasin the snake"or "Have you heard of hard erection? Come on in. accumulaterotogravure"

8. The Smell That Boy Pee Leave In My Bathroom- Some of you are boys that read this. All of you pee (or at least I hope you do.) Maybe you can tell me what makes boy pee so dang smelly? Take that back, I don't care. My point is your boy pee smells. Unfortunately, I live with two boys, who pee in the shared bathroom, which always smells like pee in the mornings. Yuck.

9. Ciao - Is it me or is this a completely unacceptable way to say good bye, or hello for that matter. As far as salutations go, Ciao is like the weakest and douchiest of the bunch. If Ciao were a person it would be constantly getting it's ass kicked for being so pretentious and ridiculous.

10. Bored and Horny - Two states of being that should never be combined. I wouldn't wish either on the worst of my enemies OR maybe I should since the two combined are such a pain in the ass.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN ITS HATER TUESDAY

2005-04-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Sheeeeeeeee's baaaaaaaaaaack! Finally. Good lord, have I been waiting for some photos like these of my favorite woman to hate...miss Tara Reid. Eaaaasy there Tara, watch the step...waaaaatch it. Check out the load-i-tude of Miss Reid. Another thing, as we know Miss Reid is not afraid to wear the same thing twice. and if I am not trippin I do believe she wore this very outfit sans black shirt to the premiere of her "movie" back in December. I love it when I catch celebs wearing the same thing over again, especially when they have been photographed wearing it before. So tacky. But then again, Alone In The Dark didn't exactly rake in the big bucks, so maybe she has to cut some corners on her clothing budget.

Um Fergie, yeah, the Olsen twins called and they really want their sunglasses back. Another thing, Dontella Versace called and she wants her skin back.

Hilary, Hilary, Hilary...what is going on? Come over here and sit on mama's lap. Remember when I told you not to worry about what that skank Lindsay was doing? I know, I know she stole your boyfriend. But where's Aaron Carter now, no where. He and Nick are crying into a big jar of hair gel right now. Don't you worry about them. Your a star. America's sweetheart.

Don't you know that? Do you remember that little talk we had about paving your own way and not worrying about Ashlee or Avril? Remember? THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WALTZING AROUND TOWN WITH THIS TOOL? Yes, I know Avril is dating the guy from Sum 41. Honey I hate to say it but she's selling more records because she's a little better than you are, not because she dates poser punk rock stars.

You still have that wholesome girl next door thing going on or you did. But now, now, your risking it all for what? A walk down Robertson with Joel Madden of Good Charolette? This asshole is 26, honey your only 17. This whole thing is a little too in Lindsay's shadow for me, I thought you were better than this HIlary. You should be dating somebody like that clean cut kid from Summerland, what's his name Jesse McSomething yeah him or maybe someone with a bit more edge like...um...um...I dunno Frankie Muniz? I know his voice is weird but at least he is not too old for you and certainly won't give you diseases. You know about those right?

At least you have him holding your purse, that's a good start for keeping him in check. The purse itself however is not a good choice. White? A white bag, with black shoes, black jacket, pink skirt and white top? Please. This look is actually a good segue for what something else I wanted to talk to you about. Yes your look. I am concerned. You are a walking Hollywood cliche in these photos. I am so disappointed. I thought you were better than this, honey. I thought you were better.
Tiny Dog in fancy clothes - Check
Oversized Chanel Sunglasses - Check
Boy-beater - hopefully with ironic statement - Check
Short ass skirt, so much so we can see the pockets - Check
Black whore-ish boots - Check
Tacky purse - Check
Bitch-face- Check
Bling-Blaaang Joseph the Jewler watch - Check
Bad Veneers? - Ch-ch-check.

(Can I get a co-sign on the veneers? Is it just me or does her mouth look like it's sportin' a few extra teeth and or her gramma's dentures?)

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN ITS HATER TUESDAY

2005-04-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

Black Eyed Peas - It is no secret that I am not a BEP fan. They have turned up in the HT pages more than a few times. They make the list again this week for thier craptastic new song "Don't Phunk With My Heart". I hate this song for two main reasons.

Reason 1. The spelling and use of the word Phunk.
I hate word play. It's cute or whatever, but I hate it. Just say, don't FUCK with my heart. Or choose another hook. It's that easy. If you are afraid that Christian moms and dad's don't want their children singing along with a bad word, don't use one that sounds like a bad word. When I was about 7, I started saying "fudgeit" in place of my preferred, "fuckit". My penchant for profanity started at a young age, by seven I had already been given detention a few times for using the "f" word and calling older girls "bitches". I had to find replacement words so that I could keep myself out of the nunnery. I said "fudgeit" when attempting to exit my mom's car on my way to school one morning (a catholic private school mind you). I think I got my skirt caught on my bag or something. All of the sudden my mom's hand shot out of no where and grabbed me by the pigtail. She pulled my ear close and started whispering in the scariest whisper ever, the kind only Catholic Mexican moms can do, "you better watch your mouth, we are at a church and i WILL not have my daughter speaking like that" She then let go and handed my my lunch box, smiled and waved as if nothing had happened. I was terrified.

Reason 2. The blatant rip off and desecration of Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam's classic cut "I Wonder If I Take You Home"
I have no problems with sampling. I think sampling is awesome and a great way to revive older music and make it modern and present it to a new generation of music lovers. What I don't like is sampling of lyrics. That shit is just lazy. If you can't think of a hook, then you shouldn't be writing music. BEP are retarded, their hook is...."No, No, No, Don't Phunk With My Heart....I wonder if I take you home, would we still be in love bay-beee" But they don't sample the record, just the lyrics. Losers.

Hick Hop
the genre blending must stop. now. i am not kidding. this is wrong in so many ways. so many. hick hop? dude. i quit.

Cowboy Troy
How about how dude rhymes, "I'm big and black...clickety clack" His hook is terrible...."I Play Chicken With The Train" WTF? I hope his hick hop ass gets hit by said train. While the train is hitting people it should also ram into Big and Rich.

Cramps The menstrual variety to be exact. Females you are with me. I have them and I am not happy. Not happy at all.

The Pope I know I have already hated on his ass. But there is a new one now, in fact this morning when I was waiting for a damned weather report I had to sit through 15 minutes of asshole news anchors speculating wether or not the smoke coming from the Vatican chimney was black or white. Are you fucking kidding me? Smoke signals? The most hilarious part is that there was a large flat screen digital display in St. Peter's Sq so that everyone could see the smoke clearly and judge for themselves. So basically we can get a digital flat screen up in that bitch but we can't get those Cardinals a fucking two way pager, or an AIM screen name or some other way they can let people know they are still deciding?

How rad would it be if the Cardinal Conclave had an AIM handle.

WorldJesusLovers: So, um any word?
Vatican4Life: No, not yet
WorldJesusLovers: Tough decision? lol
Vatican4LIfe: lol. it's hard. The Cardinal from Spain is a little bitch and can't make up his mind who he wants to vote for.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

The Fantanas - Don't you wanta, wanta, Fanta?

Capri, Kiki, Sophia and Lola love Fanta and so should you. According to the website. The girls are four fun friends from Fantana Island who want to bring fun to my life. "Whenever people are bored, hot and not having any fun, that's when The Fantanas come to the rescue" Hmm. That's interesting. Cause I am bored as shit here and certainly not having any fun and it's a bit stuffy in here yet no sign of Capri, Lola, Sophia or Kiki. Where are those bitches and my fucking Fanta?

My favorite is Sophia because her eyes are so close together and she is "a little artsy, but very real"

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-04-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

Mariah Carey- This bitch is crazy. I saw her on Good Morning America this morning performing a track from her new album The Emancipation of Mimi. This crazy ho was sporting a full fucking evening gown, a fur shrug, a total of 7 elegantly dressed back up dancers and enough stage lights and glitter to illuminate Times Square all on its own. All this before 9 in the morning. WTF? She also seemed a little uncomfortable on stage, at least while she was singing. After her song she immediately started interacting with the crowd, she got so caught up that when they came back for her last song all the anchors were huddled in the corner semi laughing at her including Diane Sawyer. They were mumbling about how "she could run the show by herself, no need for an anchor" then there was a unanimous "Oh shit we're on...we better get her singing now" vibe that errupted from the anchor huddle. Then Charles Gibson or whatever his name is came rushing across the stage to "introduce" Mariah but really he just sorta tapped her on the shoulder to let her know "we're on...you are performing Make It Happen" Mariah giggled crazily and then immediately broke into song, but not before telling a fan in the front row, "I LIKE YOUR SHIRT....HOT TAMALE, YEAH!" What a wacko.

Entertainment Weekly - There I am dealing with my morning business, reading the latest issue of ET Weekly. On the cover are the "Lost Boys" aka the male actors of Lost the new TV series that everyone has their panties in a bunch about. I haven't seen it so I am not sure if its sucksville or not. Anyhoo, I open up to take a look at the spread and I notice that on the next page after the huge spread there is a side bar that includes 3 members of the Lost Boys not included in the big picture. The three just so happen to be - a. Latin and Fat b. Korean from Korea and c. an actor in his 60s. If that isn't some Hollywood bullshit than I don't know what is. Why they gotta keep the fat latinos, koreans and old dudes off the main page. I hope that these guys are just marginal characters in the show that would make me feel better. But I have a feeling it's not that, they only had one man of color on the main spread. He appears to be Indian or Middle Eastern, I like to call him Token. Fuckers.

FedEx- It's a great idea in theory. Overnight deliveries regardless of destinations seems like an impossible task but they do seem to pull it off more often than not. My main beef is with our pussy of a FedEx delivery man. He is a big beefy sonofagun and he is terrified of the oldest dog in the universe who sits outside the neighboring office to our immediate left. I am serious when I say this dog is the first dog ever born. He is an old Boxer, who's face is covered in grey hair and his hind legs don't work very well due to a hip and leg problem. When he stands and walks, it's like watching a newborn calf attempting to navigate the field for the first time. Them shits are all wiggly and often times he just uses his front legs to pull the dead weight of his latter half along. Now I ask you...Does that seem like something that would deter you from delivering a fucking package? No. I didn't think so. Then why are my packages being delivered late? I am calling FedEx to give them a piece of my fucking mind...and it's Tuesday so those bitches better watch out.

Gwen Stefani "Holla Back Girl" - Does this even count as a song? I mean really? It sounds more like a recording of some third graders chanting a bunch of nonsensical bullshit during a game of "pretend to be a rapper." The lyrics make no sense and it does not even really relay a story - please make sure you click the link and read the lyrics. Also what about that beat? It's certainly not bananas. It sounds more like Pharrell got a call to "make a beat" for Gwen and instead of "making a beat" he was like..."well, let's see here, I've got this left over marching band sample that Kanye didn't want, the syncopation and loose drum sample of We Will Rock You that I cleared for some NERD stuff that never worked out, ooohh I'll put a little distortion and echo on here and whammo....Gwen's beat " I am also a little disappointed by the video. I have always like Gwen for her sense of originality, her cutness and her ability to dress sexy without showing me her vagina - at one point in this video she is wearing no pants. None. While she is a lovely lady I don't want to see her vagina and I am pretty sure I can see it in the Holla Back Girl video - you can watch this on the link too, let me know if you can see her vagina.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

House sitting this week at my friend Lauries in Oakland has been fun. They have all kinds of kitchen stuff that only married and grown up people have..including but not limited to this little wonder. I know it may seem that something as simple as a vacuum flask for coffee could make me so happy but it does. This shit is amazing. I am going to get myself one stat. I put coffee in that bitch this morning at 8:15 and that shit is still hot...wooptie, woot!

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-04-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

Daggers in the back for --

The Pope: Yeah I know he is dead already. They are just going to replace his ass with another craggy old white guy anyway. What I hate is that I don't even understand why we all need to be so sad about a dead old white guy anyhoo. I mean the Catholic church is waaaay fucked up -they touch boys where their bathing suits cover, the hate gays, they hate sex and booze I could go on but you get the point. Also, I am pretty convinced that they feed the Pope the blood from new born babies or the boys who have been touched and "silenced" in order to keep them alive so damn long. And what the fuck is all this hoo-ha about black smoke, white smoke and fucking bells to let everyone know that a new Pope is being discussed? I mean I can't see the fucking smoke from the Vatican....don't they have a publicist?

Stinky People on the Bus: You've smelled them, you've seen them, you know what I am talking about. I think there should be a bus line that only transports stinky people. See how they like being stuck on a bus full of other stinkers...maybe that will force them to hose off once in a while. Fucking stinkers.

Close Standers: So yeah, clubs are dark, crowded, hot and short on personal space but there is no excuse to stand so close to someone that the person has to consider seriously whether or not you are attempting to butt fuck dance fuck them or if it's really just crowded where you happen to be. Last night, at a club I went to there was a guy, a very, very tall guy (like 6'7" 6'9") standing behind me and he kept sidling up to me so close that at one point I was like is this guy dancing with me or really just trying to get out of the way of people walking behind him. I mean he was so close I could feel his legs moving in unison with mine. I think he was butt fuck dance fucking me...but I am not sure.

Skeevy Hoes:
Hoes are everywhere. But at hip hop shows they are like a flesh eating virus. They show up in a cluster, then they pair off and move around and attempt to take over several parts of the dance floor, eventually some poor sap ends up picking at it a bit and by the end of the night they have infected the whole area.
I saw some dumb ho last night who was a walking cliche. She was white, but had created some ethnicity for herself by wearing her hair in cornrows, donning a scarf around her waist, a bindi between her eyes, excessive pairs of earrings including but not limited to a pair of doorknockers AND a pair bamboo plugs, last but certainly not least she had a cropped and cut up old t shirt so that she could show her totally awesome mid section.
Her face was an eerie ringer for Fergie of Black Eyed Peas. In fact, there were several kids that kept whispering and pointing who thought she actually was her. Anyhoo, this skeevy ho started off her ho-tastic agenda by dancing a bit too enthusiastically during Micheal Franti's set so that she could get the attention of Mos Def. Which worked. Mos Def smiled at her and she took that as an invitation to walk up to him and pass him her phone number.
Her ho agenda continued with her dancing wildly by herself until this white girl loving young black man with dreads decided he was game. She freaked all over his ass for a while until his girlfriend or good girl friend came and collected his ass. Then Miss. Iliketodoblackguysalot moved onto dread head white girl lover number two, this time she pulled a super skanky move which was to take a hit of Mr. Lemmeputitinyerbutt's joint and then she recycled her hit directly into his mouth. This spawned a really gross on the dance floor make out that I would have preferred not to have witnessed. Then the ho got mad cause he grabbed her breast and there was drama - mind you had her legs, both of them wrapped around his waist while they were making out, if that doesn't say grab my tit I don't know what does.
I left around 1 and by that time I had seen her dance with no less than 7 guys all of which she had literally climbed onto - I am talking legs wrapped around waists, freaking them like Nomi in Showgirls. Fucking hoes.

Player of the Week:

Al Gore

Al Gore our former VP and almost President was all in the club last night. Literally. He and Tipper were totally VIP chillin. There was a big media event yesterday for Gore's new cable TV network called Current here in SF. There was a rally right in front of SBC Park two blocks from my office. They shut down the street and threw a block party, flying in Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Leonardo DiCaprio for star cred, pulling local talent like Goapalle, Micheal Franti (shoeless hippy), Sean Penn and Crown City Rockers for a big ol performance.

The rally was followed by an "afterparty" at a club called Mighty. ?uestlove was on hand spinning the jams and Mos Def & Talib did the whole Blackstar deal. Anyhoo, at one point I looked behind me and standing right behind me bobbing his head was AL GORE. AL FUCKING GORE....to his left was Tipper Gore, looking confused, scared and far less entertained than Al. They stood there for a moment before being ushered into the VIP lounge where they sipped champ and got dances from the skeevy ho I talked about above...okay so that part didnt happen....but they did chill in VIP. I have to give it up for ol Al, he was up in the club until about 12:30 giving hi fives, chatting up local rappers and generally attempting to be "down with the kids" For this he is my player of the week.

PS. Mos Def is short. Like hella short.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN......

2005-03-30T10:47:00.001-08:00

HaterTuesday.com is coming soon.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-03-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

It's Raining Hate...

The Rain- Yes I know it is a part of nature and all things spring related. Spring showers bring May flowers or however that retarded saying goes. But right now, seriously, the only thing that spring showers are bringing is a bad attitude on my part. The fucking rain drives me insane. I can't handle the constant wet and the grey. I live in California for a fucking reason. Now make with my fucking sunshine or I am going to be forced to fuck shit up just to entertain myself. Or I am going to smoke myself into a coma...that is all the rain makes me want to do....sit around and get high.

The Osbournes - Did anyone besides me happen to catch the final Osbournes last night? Well I suppose I should alter the verb "catch" because I didn't watch it. I instead flipped past it, and then flipped back to it just to make sure I saw what I thought I saw. What I did "catch" was a glimpse of Dr. Phil...on the Osbournes. As I mentioned, I did not watch it...I couldn't. I was too enraged. Why the fuck was Dr. Phil on the final episode? Is it to let us all know that they know that we know they are fucked up? Or is it to let us see that Dr. Phil is amazing by letting us watch him dissect and berate the Osbourne family? At this point we are all fully saturated with the inner workings of the Osbourne family so it seems preposterous for them to make an attempt at "solving" their problems. Wasn't it those same problems that made them so fun to watch in the beginning? Also Dr. Phil is as un-metal or un-punk rock as it gets. For a family who seemingly prides themselves on operating outside of the Hollywood or mainstream norm, inviting a pompous fuck bag like Dr. Phil into your house seems fucking looney. I blame Sharon.
Sharon Osbourne is fucking insane. Maybe she is trying to poise herself as the next "Oprah". Or maybe she already thinks she is Oprah? You know how rich people are, they like something or the idea of something and the next thing you know craziness ensues on said search for attainment of the thing they want. I would bet 5 bucks that Sharon makes her help refer to her as something crazy like "Sharo" or "girlfriend" or "Mrs.O". I also have a feeling she probably sends expensive gifts to Oprah in hopes of one day being included in the inner Oprah circle. Cause when the armageddon comes, if you ain't down with Oprah you won't be chillin safe inside the "inner light room" with the rest of the beloved celebrities who she will be preserving for the rebuilding of humanity. Fucking Oprah.

Lack of Celebrity Whoring I count on a few sites for photos of my favorite celebrities in whorish situations. I then take said photos, deliberate and compose the hate filled and bitchy quips you all come here for. As of late, my favorite sites have been seriously lacking on the photos of whoring, drunk,poorly dressed, without make up ect, celebs. I wonder what is going on? I blame the rain. It's keeping all my favorite whores in the house and off the streets of LA. I am tempted to print up invites to a fake event at Lotus or Koi just so I can get these sluts back on the streets with drinks in their hands. Mamma has to get the bitchiness out of her system or mamma goes craaazy!

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:
R. KELLY

Only R. Kelly could come out with hit after hit after hit after being accused several times over for being a baby girl toucher, lady pisser on-er and possibly a shitter on-er. And only R. Kelly could release song, after song, after song that include lyrics so ridiculous that you have no choice but to bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce with them because it's just right with the melodies he has paired them with. Was that proper english? Eh who cares, R. Kelly wouldn't.
I recommend you heed the suggestions in R. Kelly's lyrics and "find a little trouble to get into" or "add a little juice to yo' Tanqueray" or "throw on a rap cd and gangsta fuck" cause come Thursday it'll be "da freakin' weekend"...you should have you some fun.

The stats that I have make me so international...

2005-03-21T12:32:00.000-08:00

As you can see from the above charts I am fucking international. Sure there are only about a hundred of you reading...but you know what...that is a hundred more than I thought were reading. Evidently a lot of you may or may not even speak English as a first language yet you still apparently find me hilarious and worthy of reading.

Anyhoo I just wanted to take a moment and give some hellos, what the deally-os, fuck yeahs and some general thanks, we love yous to all my peoples across the world reading or looking at this site.

As mentioned before, I will be moving this bad daddy soonish....so keep checking back.

Oh yeah, feel free to comment whenever you want and tell me that I am hilarious or to agree that Tara Reid looks like a skank, Britney should cut her extentions, Fred Durst is indeed a small pricked tool or to make light of one of your own personal hatreds...

I love you all...or do I?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-03-15T15:58:00.000-08:00

Dr. Hatelove or How I Learned To Hate "The Bomb"...

New Electro 80s bands - Some of them are okay, but most of them are crappy rip off of Bananarama B sides. Seriously, I am not even kidding. I was listening to the "He Was Really Sayin Somethin" 12" yesterday in the office when my coworker pointed out that the B side - "Aie A Mwana" pretty much sounds identical to any of the new shit that has been on the tongue of all the hipsters - See The Bravery, Brazillian Girls, Franz Ferdinand, Bloc Party, Louis XIV, The Rapture ect...I have decided to start my own 80s inspired post disco punk revolution I am still working on a band name but the title for the first album will be entitled "The 80s Sucked The First Time"

Records - This may come to a shock to some of you as I have spent countless hours and amounts of money obsessing over and purchasing vinyl albums for quite sometime. Once upon a time, I had to be put on time out from even entering record stores because too much time and money was being spent on their accumulation. Don't even get me started on the whole storage issue. I once drove and hour and half out of my way just to get an album that I had been looking for - totally don't regret it either that shit was re-issued shortly after I bought it and now it's on ebay for hundreds. Now a days everyone and their mom thinks they are DJ or record collector. There is this new breed of music fan who thinks that they are single handedly unearthing the vinyl record. I hate records now because of you. Thanks. I have news for you who think you are a record collector...you are not. Until you have spent an entire day in one section of one store that is no bigger than my bedroom just to make sure you don't miss anything only to come back a second day to make double sure you didn't miss anything then, and only then can you possibly consider yourself a record collector. Until then, you are just a person who happened to buy a few records that one time while looking for some vintage tees at Goodwill.

Rap Rock Mash-up First it was Anthrax and PE that gave way to Body Count which gave way to some bad Cypress Hill songs and now we have the Mash-up. Jay Z and Linkin Park did it and now we have Ludicris and Sum 41 and this new band Flipsyde. I like the rock. I like the rap. I no like the rap and the rock together. I don't even like the idea of rap producers sampling rock a la Trick Daddy's song with the Crazy Train hook. Whenever I hear a rock-rap hybrid I can't help but imagine a huge cock fight. Both styles of music are pretty masculine and boasty so it is just entirely too much for me to hear them on the same track. In the immortal words of The Offspring, we gatta keep em separated.

"Too Cool For School" Look Maybe this is just a NY/SF problem, but is there not an inordinate amount of people on public transportation these days with a very stupid "Too Cool For School" expression on their face? I take the bus to work and each morning there are about 4 people that are painfully cool looking. Their faces have this lifeless eternally bored look and they are all leaning against the rails or casually slouching, ipod cords deliberately displayed or worked into their wardrobe and they all wear sunglasses. They stand or sit there tapping their foot most likely listening to one of the above bands I listed. God forbid you ask them the time or ask them if they are reading on the paper that is sitting on the seat next to them. The inevitably reply in a tone that suggests you asked them if you could try on their pants for a second. I hate those fuckers. Everytime one of them gives me attitude I want to say, "Um excuse me pal, I don't know why you have such a holier than thou attitude this early in the morning, but I just wanted to remind you that YOU are on THE BUS, meaning if you want to be cooler than you are you should consider driving, until then hand me that crossword and wipe that egomanical look off your face please"

PLAYER OF THE WEEK -

Lil' Kim

I know Kim, I tried to close my eyes too, but when I opened them you were still dressed like a living room set from Shabby Chic. The real gem in this photo is not her bow tie, not her over use of tweed, not her crocheted tights but her mini bible that appears to be worn at the edges to suggest that she thumbs through it frequently for inspiration in her life, which we all know is very Christian. I mean without Jesus in her life how could she come up with such inspired lyrics as "Watch as I make this Sprite can disappear in my mouth" or "Don't need no dick tonight...just like my pussy right"

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-03-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

10 REASONS WHY I HATE

1. Because I can.
2. There are too many yes men in this world and we need some realness in this bitch.
3. You're only lying to yourself, you need me to tell you the truth.
4. I tried being nice once and it drove me to madness and depression. If you don't believe me ask any one I've known for a while to explain how the whole "Lydia V. 2.0- Kinder, gentler" experiment of 2003 went over.***
5. Someday it will make me millions
6. We all have talents, mine just happens to be hating.
7. I'm preparing for my bitter golden years. By the year 2055 I hope to be keeping it as real as Estelle Getty **did on the Golden Girls.
8. I'm still angry that I was not born Jewish and in New York.
9. I have not experienced the miracle of childbirth, hence my 'sensitivity' instincts have not kicked in...or so says my mother.
10. Because I am a hate filled bitch and if I don't hate I will explode and then unlike Ashlee Simpson*, there actually will be pieces of me scattered all across California.

*Will someone blow her up please?
**I fucking loved the Golden Girls growing up just because of Estelle Getty. When I was in 7th grade I wrote an essay on "Who I Admired The Most" all about how rad Estelle Getty was.
*** let me just tell you, it was not a successful experiment. I crashed my car twice, dated a guy I could not stand for 2 months longer than I should have and ended up working all the time just to avoid people, mainly the guy i was dating and a close friend who's continual "you're mean" comments spurred the experiment in the first place. I was afraid I was going to have to kill them both so I could go back to normal. I ended up ditching dude cold and told my pals they needed to embrace the hate. Look at me now!

10 THINGS I MOST COMMONLY HATE ABOUT YOU
apply these to anyone and it will most likely illicit more colorful comments you have heard from me before.

1. Your shoes.
2. The stupid look on your face
3. Your lack of creativity and inspiration
4. Your annoying and incessant questions
5. Your dinner shirt, fancy jeans, over gelled hair and your Kenneth Cole loafers
6. Your inability to entertain me
7. Your taste in music
8. Your douchey hair cut
9. Your friends
10. Your indirect beat around the bush nature

Feeling a bit uninspired today....not enough time to research things that really have been pissing me off. I will be submitting a survey to some of you in order to get a little data for the pending www.hatertuesday.com. More info soon.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-03-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

Another day is upon us my friends and lucky for you it's Tuesday. This week Lil Haters go to the following....

The Oscars - So I am not a big fan of pomp and circumstance, but the Oscars are supposed to be a classy event. Even though I was not alive in the days of old Hollywood glamor, I still think the Oscars should be like that. All glammy and rad, everyone should look fucking gorgeous and proper. No mohawks, no cornrows, no entourage, ect. I was really upset when I woke up mid nap and realized they were giving out Oscars in the aisles. That's just not classy. I mean, imagine that you are a Sound Engineer or something important like that. You participate in a big ass movie that you know everyone is going to be shitting Twinkies over and you will never ever be really credited with being a crucial part of the awesome-ness. Then by some grace of god you actually get nominated for your work, granted it will be one of the awards no one cares about. You just cross your fingers and hope you are included in the Big Show as opposed to the Science and Tech Awards which are more or less the equivalent of being made sit at the children's table at Thanksgiving when you are and adult. So you finally make it to the Big Show and when it comes time to announce your category and the presenter is in the aisle handing you the award. In the aisle. Right there. No stage. No music. No victory walk. Just bam, thanks for the sound guy, here's your award, now sit down so we can pan left to Hillary Swank's clearly visible nipples before we cut to the Pepsi spot and come back for Beyonce's rendition of some crap in French. Really people, what is the world coming to.

Also I was upset by the following:
- Mike Meyer's douchey Keanu-esque cut and dye job
-Oprah falling all over the place talking about her "friends" when she really means "all the black people" in attendance.
- Hillary Swank's weirdo face and her playing the "Look I'm homely" now wait, "Look I have crazy big tits" when Oscar time comes around.
- P Diddy, Vivica A Fox, Jay Z, Christina Aquliera and other non movie related attendees from the hip hop world. Go home. You have a show. It's called the Grammys.
-Natalie Portman
-No sight of Benecio Del Toro
-Penalope Cruz and Salma Hyek announcing together in their fucked up Spanish and Mexican accents. PS Penalope - loose the beehive

Boring Blogs - Everyone has a blog these days. I am all for voicing one's opinions on the interweb, but if you are going to be posting shit for all the world to see, god damn it make it fucking funny. Or make it clever at the very least. I don't have hours and hours to waste reading bullshit so either get with the funny or stop posting.

People Who Call For No Reason - I love the phone. But I hate the phone. The phone rings and rings and rings and it won't stop unless you pick it up or you pretend it's not ringing and then it will stop. It's really aggravating when people call you for no reason at all. Like say, they are in traffic or in the waiting room at the doctor's office or at the bus stop and they just want someone to entertain them while they wait. I hate that. I mean sure call me if you want to say hi or ask me a question or tell me that I am rad. But don't call me and expect me to entertain you while you are waiting for something. Also don't call during the day. I work dammit!

Player of the week:

I had a difficult time choosing a player this week. So I am choosing to omit it this week. I reserve the right to post one later in the week.

It's official

2005-02-22T17:13:00.000-08:00

this blog will be moving to a more permanent site very, very soon.

stay locked for more info on the launch of

WWW.HATERTUESDAY.COM

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-02-22T12:02:00.000-08:00

Unnecessary Hip Hop meets not Hip Hop Collabos - Tim McGraw and Nelly was weird enough now I have to sit through John Mayer and Kanye West? Puh-leeese. What's next Jessica Simpson and Lil Jon?

Portland Let me preface this by saying I have a lot of friends who live in Portland. I know they love it and I know it makes them happy so I am not trying to directly hate on them for their personal choices. What I am hating on is the whole Portland scene. Everyone and their damned mommas is moving to Portland. If I had a dollar for every time I heard some asshole say the sentence, "OMG, I LOVE PORTLAND! IT'S SO AWESOME. THE ART COMMUNITY THERE IS JUST AMAZING AND THEY HAVE SUCH A COOL MUSIC SCENE AND OMG IT'S SOOOO CHEAP!" I would be a fucking millionaire. Get over it people. Portland is just another sleepy town about to be overrun with indie rock art hippies who need somewhere new to feel awesome about themselves. I've been there and I was not that impressed. I don't care how fucking cheap it is.

Drunk Ooglers As a female, I have breasts. In my case, the breasts are on the larger side. I cannot help it. I do not go out of my way to flaunt them, but I do wear shirts that expose parts of them from time to time. I realize that while I am wearing a low cut shirt it is fairly difficult to avoid eye contact with them, but in no way does it make it okay for someone to peer directly at them or even worse stare into my shirt in hopes of getting a better view. Last weekend, I went to a bar I go to a lot to meet a friend for a drink. While waiting for him, I sat at the bar by myself and had a cocktail. Some tool who was standing behind me sidles up between me and the girl sitting next to me. He turns to her and attempts to "kick his game" to her. She obviously wasn't feeling it because she got up and left. He then turns to me. I can feel him lean closer and start staring at me, so I do not turn to look at him. When I do not turn to face him he stops his lean in and instead stands up a bit so that he can look over my shoulder and into my shirt. I caught him doing this out of the corner of my eye so I shot him the look of death and said, "Can I help you? with a stern rude tone in my voice. I caught this asshole totally looking in my shirt and he has the audacity to keep looking at my tits directly and then looks up to my face and says in a real sleezy voice. "How uuuuuu doin'" or something equally toolish. Men just because tits are present it doesn't mean you need to address them directly. Yes enjoy them, admire them, but do not under any circumstance speak to them or stare at them or attempt to see more of them than we have made available. It's not sexy. And will not lead to us blowing you.

Black Eyed Peas Clothing Line It's no secret that I fucking hate the Black Eyed Peas. I don't want to get it started, or retarded or know where the love is or anything associated with BEP. The latest from the craptastic Peas is going to be a clothing line designed by Will.I.Am, the lead rapper. Okay now aside from the annoying proliferation of celeb inspired clothing lines, I am appalled that someone would allow these assholes to dress other people. These fuckos can barely dress themselves. Don't make me link back to the Grammies last year. Or to the other multiple posts where I have slaughtered Fergie and Co for their couture atrocities. Don't believe me? Check out these fits....they don't even fit!!!

Man I hope that shit tanks.

Prank Calls

2005-02-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

Paris HIlton...Tmobile hacked, blah, blah, blah, Lesbian photos, blah, blah, still skanky - see below, blah, blah....here's the phone numbers, blah, blah....More importantly here are the calls I'd love to make and the messages I would leave. MAYBE I WILL????

Durst, Fred 1-310-948-0808 --- "Um Hi, yeah Fred? Who's this? Oh don't worry about that. I won't take up too much of your time. I'm just calling to let you know you are a talentless tool. Also you dress bad. Also I hope you get herpes"

Fergie 1-323-855-9056 --" Four words..."eyebrow ring, lose it" ...also can you sing me the theme to Kids Inc real quick? I need a new message for my voice mail. "

Hooper, Nellee - 011-44-7768355555 -- " So do Tara's breast look as scary in person as they do on film?"

Lavigne, Avril - 1-613-532-4092 ---**Sung in classic R&B style hook a la ** "Giiiiirl, You are a Canaaaaaaadiaaaaaaan Midgettttt.....also does it make you feel wierd to know that Paris used to fuck your boyfriend?"

Lil John- 1-678-362-6742 ---"WHAT?....WHAT?....OKAAAAAAAY, WHAAAAAT, YEAAAYAAAH"

Lohan, Lindsay -1-347-596-9990 ---"Linday Lohan gots some big ass titties, mariah carey got some big ass titties, gimme those big ass titties dayum!"

Newson, San fran gavin -- 415-722-9876 - Okay first and foremost what the fuck is Gavin Newsom the mayor of SF doing in Paris' phone book? Second and equally important, is Gavin Newsom having a trampy affair with Paris Hilton? Lastly and most importantly, do you think there is Paris and Gavin tape floating around somewhere?

Olsen, Ashley 1-310-760-1996 -- "Do you know where I can score an 8ball? Um and your grandma called and she wants all her clothes back"

Pharrel 1-646-824-1999 -- "Can I drop it like it's hot on your face?"

Simpson, Ashlee- 1-310-254-7114 --"On behalf of music lovers and those of us who work in the industry we would like to officially inform you that you are hereby officially the worst singer ever. Please stop. Also learn to dress yourself. And your nose is huge. And...Jessica is prettier and I find you boring. Thanks"

Wilson, Luke - 1-310-903-0500 -- "Hi I'm a friend of Paris, she told me you would be able to put me in contact with your penis?"

Tara - 305790226 -- "So I have a website called www.hatertuesday.com and I frequently post about you and your lifestyle...its been a little slow this week thus far so I was hoping to fly you up to SF and take you out for drinks so I can have something to write about tomorrow. Are you free?

Still skanky? ---Here is my favorite note from her phone notebook - i like to think the "call maroon 5" and "get birth control kill pill" are related. Also is it just me or do all of these seem whore related? I have numbered footnotes here for your entertainment.

7:39 PM, October 2, 2004
Paris hilton entertainment inc
Trace
760 602 0952 mike
*Tan machine free - *1
John hair
Call rosalina
917 6931673
*Call herve leger and lingerie store -*2
Site
*Check from rick- *3
*Call maroon 5- *4
*Get birth control kill pill*5

1. I assume this means a free tan machine or tanning without a machine and more of a lotion type thing, all whores are tan didn't you know.
2. Have to stay skanky, which means lots of free lingerie and other slutty clothes from Herve Lager.
3. DVD video money baby, she didn't suck Rick Solomon's dick in the dark for nothin'
4. See #5
5. Hmm....kill pill...real classy Paris....real classy

LOOK AT MEEEEEEE, YOU BEEEEEEETCH

2005-02-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

"dah-ling, pass me that cream i need to oil myself...are you looking at my tits? LOOOOKKKK AT MY TIIIITS YOU BEEEEEETCH! I'M DONTATELLA VERSACE!"

As I write this I cannot help but stare horrified directly into her massive droopy milkers. She is sooooooo ooooold. DAMN! I really cannot get over how horrifying this photo is. I will come back later after I have had time to process and see what else I can come with. Feel free to comment amongst yourselves.

IT'S MUTHERFUCKING HATER TUESDAY

2005-02-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways...

Celebrity Inspired Perfume -

First there was Liz Taylor ( well maybe she wasn't first, but it's my blog and I am not fact checking cause fact checking ruins good rants, so you can fuck right off if you want to dispute me on this) with Diamonds and Emeralds, Black Pearls and White Diamonds. Liz Taylor was all famous and glam so it made perfect sense for her royal fabulousness to have her own fragrance line. Now along with tons of crappy celeb inspired clothing lines we have to now deal with a slew of crappy celebrity inspired perfumes. JLo has done it, Beyonce has done it, Britney did it and now we have Paris with her aptly titled Paris Hilton Fragrance or as I like to call it Eau D'Skank. What the fuck gives? It's like any bitch with a poontang and a publicist is selling perfume. Why on earth would I want to smell like Paris Hilton? At least it's good to know that we have the technology and know how to create and bottle the smell of whore.

Ridiculously over priced normal things -
Rich people are always looking for new and retarded ways to spend their money. Evidently this extends into the sex toy arena. Check out this dillhole's website -www.jimmyjane.com. Dude is hawking hi-end vibrators and other "sensual products". What is a hi-end vibrator you may ask? Well ol' Jimmy here is making them out of gold, silver and platinum. That's right, I said platinum. What's something like that run you may ask? $475.00!!! Four hundred and fucking seventy five dollars for a fucking vibrator. Them shits don't even have a remote or a bullet or a rabbit clit stimulator or those weird rotating pearls. I mean not that I know anything about that or anything. I went to Good Vibes once, I think I saw all that stuff there...errr....back to my hating. So yeah, 475.00 for a vibrator! That is the most insane thing I have ever heard of. But then again when you have a multimillion dollar pussy like say Beyonce or JLo I guess you really do deserve the best. Blang Blang!

Kelly Osbourne's choice of men

In general, I do not hate on Kelly Osborne. She's like 20, she's Ozzy's daughter and she has a real warped sense of what's real so I try and take it easy on her. Also, aside from her Hot Topic-ness, she is pretty cute and does fine by me...most of the time. Her choice in men however is a whole different story. She has dated a long string of wierdos and uglies -I fall for wierdos too so I can't get too down on here but what the fuck is happening here. This is evidently her new BF. We all love a good gay boyfriend. It's good to have an ace in the hole when you are out shopping or want to be catty or you need something moved and you're real BF or roomate doesn't have enough muscles to move something. But under no circumstances do you take a nancy boy cross dressing drag queen into your bedroom. I am hoping to god that she is just having fun fooling people that this is her BF cause if she is really dating dude I am a little worried. I mean if you ARE going to date a drag queen at least get some fucking make up lessons from him. She looks like ass here and he looks pretty in pink. For shame Kelly. For shame.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK-

RICKY MARTIN

Why is Ricky Martin still making this face? Is he STILL livin' la vida loca? I can't imagine him being this happy to be a spectator at The Grammys where he was nominated for nothing. Nothing at all. Why the crazy grin? I know that you have denied very publicly being homosexual and you have endeavored to prove this to us by writhing about with scantily clad females in your videos, but seriously dude, if you want to keep it on the low, you must stop making this face. The only thing this face says is "I'M GAY!" or "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE ORLANDO BLOOM IS BLOWING ME"

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-02-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

Buckets full of hate are strewn upon -

Cute Couples I think it goes without saying that I am a negative person. When I see couples all caught in the moment instead of getting all warm and fuzzy and thinking something like, "Awwwwww, look at that. How romantic", I normally think something like, "Your girlfriend is probably cheating on you and all the money you spent on this vacation is going to just sting like a mutherfucker when you get home and she still leaves you for her Psych prof" Have I ever been one half of a cute couple you may ask? Yes I have and I hated myself then. My motto is keep the cutesy bullshit private at home style, no one wants to see how in love you are.

Cheap Champagne So this is a bit controversial since I often drink cheap champagne and rarely drink expensive champagne, cause well it's expensive. My beef is with corks that prematurely pop. Normally I am really good about pointing corks away from my face or faces of others while I take of the cage, but sometimes say like when you have already drank about 6 beers and a few glasses of champagne you don't remember. This happened to me on Saturday. I was taking off the cage and talking and not looking and the next thing I know that fucking cage is popping off and the cork is gone. Luckily I did not spill the champ, but still it was scary. I could have lost an eye!

And now for your hate in pictures....

I normally don't hate on Gwen cause she is one of the few people I think are unhate-able but since she put out a semi crappy record I feel like that wall has fallen and now she's fair game. I know she's just taking a walk but seriously she looks like she is on her way to a cult meeting lead by this guy.

Oh lord how I love her.

Here we see Miss Reid exiting Koi with an older gentleman (incidently it's not the same man she entered Koi with) pursing her lips attempting to revive the feeling back in them - you know how hard it is to suck off an old guy? They can't stay hard for shit and your lips end up going numb in the process.

The we see her tragic exit from a night club most likely Lotus or Concorde with the same old dude. In the left hand side of the photo, we can see the red fingernail of her handler, um I mean publicist helping her into old dude's limo cause she is obviously a bit too tipsy to manage it herself.

These last two are just so beautiful. I can really tell she is upset by the photographers. She has had a long night you know. I mean first she lost her original escort, then she had to suck off an old guy just to get a ride home and now the fucking paparrazi are taking pictures of her. I mean all she is doing is enjoying herself like all the other celebrities. I mean don't they know what a smart girl she is? She has change sooooooooooooo much since her wild days. If only she had brought her glasses, then no one would bother her.

And now it's time for ...
PLAYER OF THE WEEK
Johnny Depp

Pray no more Johnny...the Baby Jesus has answered your prayers. I will come to France and blow you.
In all seriousness, The Depper is fine even if he does look like a kooked out zany actor all the time. Check out his outfit here, he is rocking the exact look my grandpa used to rock on a daily basis.

Destiny's Child Makes A Video, Tara Reid Still Skanky.

2005-02-02T14:56:00.000-08:00

"Whoa...lord I can't believe ya'll got Beyonce wearin' that! Whoa lord...I gotta keep it together so we can finish shooting this video....keep it together Michelle, Keep it together"

"I am so glad that Mrs. Tina don't like me too much, otherwise I would be dressed in one of her ridiculous "designs." Look at Beyonce and Kelly, titties all hangin out lookin like they just ran through the textile sections of Pier 1 World Market. Thank god I am in a pant suit! Who looks like the drag queen now? Huh, Kelly?"

So what we have here ladies and gents are photos taken of Miss Reid shopping with some meat head who is most likely banging her. Good for her. What I am concerned with here is of course her outfit. The first two were taken yesterday. The last one was taken 1.30.05 at Fez's birthday party. Take a close look at her jeans. Yes, they are the same. It appears as if she is wearing more or less the same outfit and evidently has not washed since she was at Fez's house cause her hair looks like crap. Now if I were someone who was trying to appear more mature and change my image I would try showering and um, well not wearing $200 "vintage t's" that feature cartoon characters. Oh yeah and changing your jeans helps.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-02-01T13:30:00.000-08:00

Rays of hate are currently burning into the backs of ....

People Who Go On Trips To Foreign Lands Only To Come Back And Talk Incessantly About Said Trip: Vacations are great. Trips to foreign lands are great. But you know what's not great? When people come back and then feel the need to go on and on and on and on about how moving, spiritual, amazing, beautiful, life changing, insert meaningful adjective here, their trip was. Recently, a friend of my roommate stopped through for a few nights on her way back home to Santa Cruz from a trip to India. She showed up at like 11:30 pm with a backpack, a sleeping bag and a photo album that was about 2 inches thick. Evidently she had the pictures developed in India and then put the whole thing together on her return flight. Can we say neurotic? Do you even know how many undeveloped rolls of film I have sitting in my junk drawer? Undeveloped film is the reason I went digital in the first place. But I digress. Anyhoo, this visitor felt it was appropriate and okay to bust out this massive photo album at damn near midnight on a Tuesday and proceed to give an oral report on every minute detail of her trip. I lasted about 10 minutes and then discreetly excused myself and went to my room citing "work in the morning" as the reason for my departure. According to my roommate they were up until 2:30 am listening to her drone on about India and how "magical" it was. All I could think to myself in my head was "white people are stupid". Instead I said, "wow, it sounds like she had an amazing time". But you all know what I would have preferred to say. Moral of the story is travel. Travel lots. Have a magical time. Find yourself in the underdeveloped cultures of the world. Gain perspective on your life, grow spiritually. Do whatever you want there. Just keep the details to your damn self and don't waste my time telling me about it. I don't give a fuck.

New Resturants That Don't Understand The Concept of Hot Food: I love food. I am obsessed with all things food related and I find the culinary arts captivating. I like to think that I am an epicurean of sorts. A new restaurant opened in my neighborhood called Tamal - vino y mas(a). Their deal is Mexican tapas - intriguing but not entirely original. Their menu has several types of tamales and other assorted takes on traditional Mexican dishes served up small plates styles. All the flavors are very Nuevo Latino which I am slightly skeptical about yet also intrigued by. So last night a friend and I went down there for dinner. We tried a good sampling of their small menu, Tamal de Puerco, Tamal de Camaron, Tamal de Creole, Tacos de Atun, Chile Relleno, Empanaditas de Cangrejo. It was all really lovely. The flavors were nice and balanced. Presentation was good. But the recurring problem was the actual temperature of the food. Each of the plates that came out were warm but not hot. Which basically meant that last few bites of each plate were cold. I despise cold food. It is my opinion that your meal should remain hot the entirety of your meal. Since literally each plate had one tamal or a taco there is no reason for it to be luke warm or cold by the end. Someone needs to tell that chef to get up on the heat. Shiiiit. Also we got a coconut lime creme brulee and it was abismal. The sugar did not fully caramalize...it was brown but it did not crack when you tapped it with a spoon. What's that about. Also the custard itself was broken. It was not all satiny and delicious as it could have been. The flavor was nice but no one wants a broken custard.

Player Of The Week

WILMER VALDERAMA - Some of you may know him as the former arm candy of Lindsay Lohan (he banged her when she was under 18 and not quite crazy famous), some of you (the ones who really follow gossip) may also remember him as the guy who also banged Mandy Moore fresh off the teen pop circut then again some of you may just know him as that douchey latin guy with a lisp from that 70s show. Regardless of how you know him, I think we can all appreciate this photo here. What a look. Real classy. He looks like I feel on most Friday nights. Let's hear it for the boy for keeping it real....real drunk. In his defense, this picture was taken at his private birthday party. Tara Reid was there....unfortunately she looked pretty normal except she had a massive zit on her chin...but we all get zits so who am I to poke fun at her. Ahh fuck it here she is sporting the death star on her chin...

Now that we are on the topic of Tara here are a few images of her from the release party for her horrid so called movie...

"I AM SMART..DON'T TELL ME THAT I'M NOT"

Check out the crows feet and wrinkles on this ripper!

Ladies and Gentleman It's Not Hater Tuesday....Consider this a special edition

2005-01-31T16:51:00.000-08:00

If you read anything I write here you most likely know that I love to hate Tara Reid. I find her facsinating and abismal at the same time. She is a waste of space yet also an incredible source of intertainment.

Alone In The Dark was baaad. I mean baaaad. A friend and I ventured into Jack London Square in Oakland yesterday to catch Alone In The Dark. I was not anticipating it being good. Evan after reading my trusted movie critic pal Dave White's synopsis of it's horribleness, I was still set on going so I could see it unfold with my own eyes.

Right about here is where I should go into what the movie is about but there is no real story to speak on. Seriously. The movie makes zero sense. It has absolutely no logic, reasoning or continuity to it. All I can tell you is it involves zombies, evil genius scientists that shoot up ancient evil creature blood, evil native american rituals,archeology, a US gov funded paranormal army, yes paranormal army, lots of shooting of stuff, weird creatures that fuse onto people's spines and some how this is all connected to Christian Slater and his childhood spent in an evil orphanage.

Despite the complete lack of continuity, the performances by Tara Reid are phenomenal. Her ability to switch between "smart archeologist" and "sultry temptress" is remarkable. I mean one minute she has her hair up in a messy bun and those glasses that make her look so clever and the next she is prancing around in a midrift bearing top and has her locks down and flowing. How many actresses do you know that have that kind of diversity? Her dialog is also quite convincing. I am pretty sure that all but 4 of her lines were, "It's Abkani" Remembering that kind of involved dialog must have been a challenge, not to mention her stellar delivery of said lines. I am happy to see her in something that challenges her normal "range". Ha!

All in all I enjoyed watching it though. There was a lot of blood and gore, which I love and have a habit of laughing at. I was the only person in the theater that laughed out loud whenever they showed extreme violence, like this one scene that depicts a woman with her head split in two and twitching about...I could not stop laughing. The film was all that I anticipated and more. my pal who came with does not have the patience I have so she got crazy ancy the last 35 minutes or so and started text messaging people and intermittently asking me "Can we go?" or yelling out " YOU'RE NOT SMART" whenever Tara came on screen and delivered lines like, "I'll upload the text and see if I can plot the coordinates...blah,blah,blah" or "THOSE GLASSES AREN'T FOOLING ANYONE!" I had to keep shushing her so I could concentrate on the film. Well not really but you feel me.

In other news, PERMS ARE BACK! Well at least that is what my Netscape newspage says. A story on how perms are back and how to prepare your hair and care for your hair post perm was one of their lead stories today. Dang, times must be tough. Call me crazy but wasn't there a major election in a certain country that we have all been arguing about and soldiers have been dying for that took place recently? Shouldn't maybe that trump a story on perms? Oh well what are you gonna do? I only hope that perms really are back cause then I will have shitloads of new people to diss on a daily basis.

In other, other news, Bloodninja is back. Do you folks remember when I posted a link to this guy or maybe it was a friend of mine who linked him and I linked from her, whatever it was linked. The point is it's funny as shit. Here is another installment I found today. This guy is my new hero. I really like the third one from the top where he casts Lvl 3 Eroticism. Click it and enjoy.

In seriously other news, I am in love with a record called "You're A Woman, I'm A Machine" from Death From Above 1979. It's fucking amazing...amazingly rocking.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN ITS HATER TUESDAY

2005-01-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

I love the time changing powers of the internet.....If I post date an entry it's sort of like a time machine and all of the sudden it's Tuesday and not Wednesday and I haven't slacked off at all....work with me people....

Wow, Oscar morning....When my phone didn't ring at 6 am this morning to announce my nomination for Most Bitchiest Hater In a Leading Role, I was devastated. I mean you spend hours upon hours preparing, improving, researching for your role all in hopes that you will be recognized by your peers. I mean really that is all that matters at the end of the day... the acknowledgment of your peers is priceless. I mean my agent says that an Oscar nod of course boosts your per post price but for me it's about my craft and my peers. Really.

And the Oscar goes to...
Blech...the fucking Oscars are already making me angry. I woke up this morning turned on the tube for a little weather update and some morning news and was instead inundated with call ins from Laura Linney (aka. that woman from that one movie), Thomas Haden Church (aka "Wasn't that dude on Wings?") , Imelda Staunton (aka. who?) , actors who no one knows their name. You don't see Jaime Foxx pullin' his ass outta bed to talk to Katie Couric and Matt Laurer about "the craft" so why do I have to listen to other assholes talk about it? Don't get me wrong I am not a big Jaime Foxx fan nor do I think deserved two nominations....Jaime Foxx two Oscar nominations...oh pish. The whole thing makes me want to barf. I can't stand to talk about it for one more second.

"Wait A Minute, You're not Carson! They told me Carson was gonna be here! I wore this jacket to prove to him how grown up I am. Look at my coat. Look at it. I am almost 70 now. Where's Carson..who are you?"

Tara Reid friend and foe of mine not really but spiritually speaking yes, has been out and about promoting her new movie Alone in the Dark co-starring Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff (more on the lunacy of this cast later) She was on TRL a few days ago and has been going the morning talk show circut as well. After being aggravated by the Oscar bullshit I switched the channel to watch the bullshitty morning show on Fox. I was rewarded with a live via satellite interview with a very hung over looking Tara Reid. The bonus was she was being interviewed by birdbrain Debbie Matonopolis formerly of The View. Needless to say, it was the most retarded interview I have ever witnessed. It was like dumb interviewing dumber. They talked next to nothing about the movie and instead went back and forth about Tara's questionable lifestyle. I can only hope that you are fortunate enough to catch an interview with her on a tv show near you. I wish I had Tivo so that I could be catching all her appearances in hopes of capitalizing on what I am sure are priceless sound bits.
In other news, I can't wait for this movie to come out. I will be one of the first one in line to check it out. I mean seriously with a cast of leads that reads Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff and Tara Reid, I am surprised the tag line isn't "Fresh Outta Rehab and On the Big Screen" I am sure the Kraft service table was lined with blow, vodka and cartons of Marlboro lights. I bet it was awesome to be on that set. Oh to be a fly on the wall.

Tired ass blog templates on blogger.com- This template is wack. Everyone and thier baby mama's uses it. I want something new clean and simple. Yes simple. I like simple so kill me.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-01-18T17:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes, people it's Tuesday. Thank God. I have officially been sick for one full week. A fucking week! Can you believe that shit? Who gets sick for a week? Evidently I do. Fear not, I am back at work and on the fast track to recovery so soon enough I will be back in full force over here.
This week the rays of hate are focused on :

Doctors, more specifically Kaiser Doctors: So I paid $125 bucks to see a doctor last week at the behest of my mother and co-worker Isaac. I didn't want to go because I knew what the result would be. "Take it easy. Drink lots of fluids. Here is some cough syrup. If it doesn't go away, call me. Neeext" I was right. I showed up a little bit late for the appointment cause I was on my death bed and it's a little hard to hustle when you can't really breathe, stand up or speak without wanting to die. Anyhoo, the woman at the registration desk was a real gem. She looked at me and asked "What kind of insurance do you have?" I looked at her and said "none". She gave me a look of disgust and then demanded $125 bucks and asked if I could hurry up because she "had to close up". I paid the dough and then waited for my name to be called. The woman who called me back into the offices could not pronounce Lydia to save her life. She came out and announce "Lyndia" to which I did not respond - for a hundred twenty five dollars the least she can do is pronounce my name correctly. Then she tried "Lyllia", then she tried "Lie-de-ugh". I finally looked up and asked "Lydia??" She looked at me, looked at the paper and then said "LYNDINA?" I pronounced my name a few more times hoping she would get it but nope she looked at me and said "Poponvinck?" At this point I just shook my head and said "Yes, I am Lyndina Poponvinck" All the standard stuff happened and then the doc came in and his opener was classic, "So you only got about 5 minutes with me, I gatta go get my kids" This immediately set me off. If you have to leave, don't take a fucking appointment. Plain and simple. At least that's how I see it. The appointment lasted about 5 minutes and ended with anticipated response "yep you're sick, liquids, sleep, don't go to work, here's your note, see ya" The asshole perscribed me cough syrup with Codeine even though I told the lame nurse I am allergic to Codeine. Thanks doc. So basically, I hauled myself out of bed, paid a $125 bucks to have a doctor stick a probe in my ear and agree with me that I was sick. In short it was awesome. Real fucking awesome. I hate doctors.

My new decaf lifestyle- Yes, I said it. Decaf. I have not had a cup of coffee in a week. In fact I have not had any caffeine in a week. A full unadulterated week. Honestly, I have to admit it's not that bad. I have been drinking Green Tea for the last few days in hopes of getting a little awake in the AM. It works aiight but it ain't no coffee. I am staying off the sauce until I am fully back in 100% shape. Then I am gonna head right on down to Peets for a few hits of the good stuff. Whoo Hoo.

Disappearing Interns- A girl gets sick for a week and her intern just up and leaves her....WTF? I really liked Shirley, I hope she comes back. If anyone sees a short Asian girl with a bad perm and a nice smile tell her to get her ass over here. I have a press mail out to complete. Sheeesh.

Loud Talkers - So someone in my house is a fucking loud talker. Whenever he is on the phone he fucking yells, like loud. His voice booms and carries all through our house. He is also a pacer. He will loud talk and pace back and forth until he is off the phone cause he has too much fucking restless energy to just sit down and talk to someone. The pure level of his voice is so loud, I am pretty sure that if he lost connection the person on the other end could still hear him cause he is talking that loud.

Wishy-Washers - You know the type. I like it this week and I hate it the next. Make up your mind please.

Mis-pronouncers - A person's name is special. Even if you hate your name, it's yours and it deserves to be pronounced accurately. People who do not take the care to read and pronounce a name correctly are assholes. My name is very commonly mispronounced and I don't understand why. I mean its pretty phonetic when you look at it Lydia Popovich. For some reason people always want to say "Lynda" or "Lie-de-ugh" and they want to say "Poponvick" or "Po-po-visk" or something lame like that. There are no "N"s in my name. Don't add one.
Next time someone mispronounces your name make them say it right. Don't let them get away with butchering it. Assholes.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2005-01-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

Future Mug Shot--- sure Lindsay, you're not coked out...I totally believe you.

The shirt says it all.

What is it about african america r & b songstresses and their obsession with big ass curly hair? Beyonce did it and it didn't work. Toni Braxton did it and it didn't work. Whitney did it and it didn't work. And now we have Ashanti. When will these stylists wake up and smell the weave?

Paris, do we need to get you a muzzle for that vagina of yours? Or are you going to learn to keep it covered?

It's not Hater Tuesday but I am hating early

2005-01-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

No we don't want to see your skinny ass tits you fucking sand troll...for fuck's sake cover up...and um I hope you burn.

Will you look at this crazy bitch? What the fuck is going on here? Who are these kids? What kind of parent let's crazy ass Mariah, errr Mimi trek around town dressed like that with their fucking children! Are those fucking moon boots? Holy Crap...She looks like one of those weirdo Japanamation cartoons.

Well, well, well look who it is? Miss Tara Reid keeping it real on St. Barts...Drink up Chicago! Double fisting! Take a look here for those of you who thought maybe she is just holding them check out real close the color of the fru-fru drink...its another drink...she really is double fisting. I think she is my hero now because of this...

WTF is Kirsten Dumbst doing hanging out with Tara Reid? Look at her ugly ass face....That bitch is white. I can't believe Jake Gyllenhal hit that for like 2 years...gross. Also Tara, sorry about your friend's ass...and oh yeah sweet Guido, I hope it all works out between you and his speedo that is hiding under that towel.

Obviously, It's Hater Tuesday

2004-12-14T11:06:00.000-08:00

Ugly Boyfriends...Of course we have all had them. We tell ourselves they have good personalities and they make us laugh but not amount of personality is gonna cover up the fact that your BF is a dog face. The only thing that can make up for it is if he can give you a good deep dicking...but even then you have to be careful cause he may dicknotize you and then you get all caught in the mosh...again its happened to the best of us...but we are just normal everyday folks and that is okay. But if you are rich and famous and hot you should never ever settle for an ugly BF, why? Because they make you ugly and possibily fatter...Poor Christinga Aguilera, Poor Janet Jackson...both of these bitches have ugly ass BF's....Don't believe me -
Proof that an ugly bf can make you ugly and evidently fatter....

Avril Lavigne

I don't hate on Avril very often because it is so obvious...but I just had to include this one...Yeah Avril...we get it. You are totally punk rock...I can tell by the use of your middle fingers...check out how like 1 minute later she is all smiles.... Also just wanted to remind you that you are a Canadian midget.

Okay everyone, please, please gird yourselves...this next series is a fucking doozy....Britney may not be pregnant but she is fucking crazy...and evidently morphing into Courtney Love - (scott from stereogum put me on to that revelation) see for yourselves.

Okay seriously people....these are the best thing that has happened to me all year...goddamn. No commentary needed...these beauties speak for themselves.

Fred Durst

Five reasons why I hate you:

1.Your Fred Durst.
2. Your sweater
3. Your belt buckle
4. Your tired ass face
5. That fucking backwards hat.

Tara Reid Acts...

Evidently someone decided to make a movie and let Tara Reid act again. God bless them...this means there will be a premiere, a press tour, a premiere party, ect....How about how her co-star is Christian Slater...how much you want to bet that Blow was on the Kraft service table instead of bagels?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2004-12-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

First to be slayed:

The Grammys;
The palms have been greased, the musical integrity has been compromised and now the nominees have been announced. Yes, ladies and gentleman the musical community has spoken and according to the tone deaf members of the Recording Academy here. are the best contenders of 2004.

You could click there and read the complete list for yourself of you could just skip it and keep reading here and I'll let you know what's really hood....

RECORD OF THE YEAR NOMINEES:

Let's Get It Started The Black Eyed Peas
Here We Go Again Ray Charles and Norah Jones
American Idiot Green Day
Heaven Los Lonely Boys
Yeah Usher

Black Eyed Peas?? Are you fucking kidding me? You seriously want to give a Grammy to these assholes?

I mean come on now...look at these fucking tools? Let's Get It Started isn't even the original song...the original song was Let's Get Retarded, but they changed it because they were getting flack from Retard Advocacy groups and also their label was offered multiple licensing opportunities ( NBA Playoffs, HELLO ) if the hook was "Let's Get It Started" as opposed to "Retarded". The label then re-released the album with the new version of the song so that consumers would be able to recognize and purchase the song they were brainwashed into rocking out to during the playoffs and Pepsi commercials. Now don't get me wrong...I have no issues with licensing music. In fact, I think it is an incredible way to gain exposure and income, my problem is with the re configuring of complete compositions as well as the repackaging and marketing of albums in order to capitalize on placement. But I am getting off point, the issue at hand is that this song sucks and that BEP sucks. Also, this is strike two in the sell out nature of BEP...one of the main reasons i hate them is because of this bitch:
In this picture I hear her singing "I use my vaaaaaginaaaah....to sell my reeeeeecoooords ahhhhhh...."

I guess the rest of the nominees are alright but they are all pretty generic and very consistent with the Grammy formula for choosing nominees each year...which is:
1. Palatable and non offensive fun time group with urban vibe
2. Recently deceased legend
3. Hard Rock / Punk / Metal Band
4. Ethnic Sounding Band that makes white people feel cultured
5. Megalomaniac Pop Star
**also the wild card can be the hot new artist of the year...in years past examples would be Beyonce, Norah Jones, Alicia Keys, ect....
So as you can see they are dead on...except they really came through and doubled up on the wild card and number two in their formula

BEST FEMALE POP PERFORMANCE

Oceania Björk
The First Cut Is The Deepest Sheryl Crow
Sunrise Norah Jones
What You Waiting For? Gwen Stefani
You Had Me Joss Stone

The only reason that Bjork gets nominated is because everyone wants to see what she is going to wear...no one is gonna give her a Grammy...poor girl. Sheryl Crow...so what your BF only has one testicle and won the Tour De France like a million times, you still can't sing and fucking up one of the best songs ever already performed perfectly by Rod Stewart does not mean you should get a Grammy. Norah Jones, yeah, yeah, you can sing, we get it...your totally timid and have a lovely voice...but you won like a million times already. What Yoy Waiting For Gwen,how about how this song has been out for like 10 minutes and you are already nominated for a Grammy...now I love you, you know that. But you also know that you don't really like this song and you also know that this is not your best vocal performance...this is just a ploy to boost Linda Perry's already bulging ego and your label's attempt at boosting Christmas record sales, you know they greased some palms right? Sorry to break it to you Gwen. Joss Who? Yeah, right. I could give two shits that you are a 18 year old white girl from London who sings soul classics ( i liked it better when it was movie called The Commitments)...try writing your own material and get off Mary Wright's nuts already...shiiit.

BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY DUO OR GROUP

Monkey To Man Elvis Costello & The Imposters
Take Me Out Franz Ferdinand
American Idiot Green Day
Somebody Told Me The Killers
Vertigo U2

Ahahhahaha HAHAHAHAHHAAH.....that's right Indie Rock Faggots...your precious Franz Ferdinand, The Killers, Modest Mouse and Wilco are all nominated for various rock associated Grammies...you know what that means? YOU LIKE POP MUSIC....Bwooahahahhahahaha, bwooahhahahahaah.....Hate to break it to you but kids in Nebraska are flocking to Best Buys, Wal Marts and Targets to pick up all your precious indie music. And guess what it is going to keep happening....so tighten up that white belt get used to it. Faggot.

I could go on and on about the Grammys but then I would never have time to get to any of these:

No this is not Liberace...he wishes. But it is terribly, terribly funny. No comments needed.

Make sure you click and enlarge....otherwise you will not see how her pants are eating her vagina and how she is one of the most annoying dressers ever...also I am pretty sure there is a stick up her ass keeping her in that position..but seriously, Ryan Star, your vagina called and it wants some air..

This picture exemplifies a theory I have been working on....that theory is that everyone in Hollywood is either a drag queen or a junkie.

Um, Okay seriously...is that a fucking Steal Your Face on her dress? Are those fucking rainbow dancing dead bears? WTF? Grateful Dead couture? Once upon a time I was a card carrying Grateful Dead loving hippy. Yes, its true. I am not going to lie. I have the pictures to prove it. During that time I did a lot of sewing...mainly because that is what you are supposed to do and also because deep down I wanted to go to fashion school but I was too much of a hippy to do it. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to walk barefoot around NYC or something ridiculous...but I had an idea then to make upscale hippy garb to sell to all the Yippies that frequented Dead shows on weekends and vacations. Some genius has stolen my idea and evidently sold it to the most richest of annoying bitches Paris Hilton...another one of my million dollar ideas wasted away on someone other than me.

P.S When someone says, "Um I would like a Smoked Turkey Panini but can you make it fresh because I am allergic to tomatoes" you should probably make it without tomatoes otherwise a certain someone who frequents a certain deli may return the following day and completely blow her stack and or write about you on her website and say something to the effect of "GODDAMMIT I SAID NO FUCKING TOMATOES YOU SHIT BAG!" Fucking incompetent Whole Foods deli workers....shiiiit.

Um I guess that's sexy....

2004-12-01T13:01:00.000-08:00

So I am in the midst of my mid morning break where I sit around, read magazines that have arrived today, sip my coffee, throw my feet up on the desk and generally pretend to be working but really I am just reading mags and being lazy. I am flipping through Jane as it just arrived and Lindsey Lohan is on the cover so I know something good to hate on is more than likely in here, but I have not even reached the articles yet because I was stopped by this fucked up image...

Who the fuck said this was sexy? Why is Paris straddling her little dog? It looks like she either just gave birth to a Chihuahua or she is about to suck it up with her massive superhuman beav...either way I find it disturbing. I mean I did not know that Praying Mantis' were able to mate with dogs...also that dog doesn't even have it's eyes open, what a shitty model Tinkerbell is...Also if someone isn't gonna stick a dick in Paris' mouth sometime soon then I would prefer not to see her with that much red lipstick on ever....This scan does not do the obnoxiousness of the picture justice. Go pick up a Jane and see for yourself....

I think Paris had her uterus lined with Dior signature tweed so that she can keep Tinkerbell warm in there....

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2004-11-30T15:36:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of crazy bitches in this world but few are as crazy as Mariah Carey. She is one looney muther, her insanity never ceases to amaze me. It's almost like she lives in an alternate wacky world where people can demand baskets of puppies and solid gold bathtubs as if they were ordering a few extra packets of ketchup at the drive thru...oh wait, she does live there. Maybe that is where this picture was taken and maybe there they told her it was okay to take it in the first place...I can almost hear her commentary...

"I want something cute and sexy....I want to show my body but I want to be doing something normal and regular like, sitting on the toliet. It's so human. Look at me I look so cute on the toliet. Let's take a few here on my $15,000 antique porcelian bowl" - yes i realize this is most likely photoshopped but i don't care.

And now there is The Emancipation of Mimi the new album from the ever crazy and hi pitched voice box of Mariah...er, I mean Mimi. I guess Mariah isn't cutting it anymore and since donning your new "nickname" publicly is so hot she had to get on the boat. I mean Janet named her album Damita Jo, Jennifer Lopez had JLo, Madonna thinks its okay to be called Esther, Pink calls herself Pink, why shouldn't she be Mimi? I was curious so I did some research and this is what I found on her website. You should really go there and poke around because the entire thing is amazingly bonkers and I am shocked that a manager and a record label would let her operate on such levels of lunacy.

“Mimi is a very personal nickname only used by those closest to me... just one of those little things that I’ve kept for myself in an attempt to have some delineation between a public persona and a private life,” Carey explains on her Web site.

“I am letting my guard down and inviting my fans to be that much closer to me… Most importantly, I am celebrating the fact that I’ve grown into a person and artist who no longer feels imprisoned by my insecurities or compelled to try and live up to someone else’s vision of ‘Mariah Carey.’ I now feel I can honestly say ‘this is me, the real me, take it or leave it.’”

If this is the real you, Mariah you can keep it, cause you are fucking crazy. Who wears a fucking wedding dress to a birthday party? ARE YOU HIGH?

Click here to hear psychotic messages from Mariah on her website. I guess they let her call in somewhere and rant to her fans about how much she loves them. They archive them shits and then let the fans play them back to hear what is on Mariah's mind. They all play like a fucked up message your drunken auntie Flo would leave around what she thinks is Christmas time.

Click here to learn more about Mariahisms...yes I said Mariahisms. In case you don't speak Mariah but always wanted to.

And of course wherever there is a crazy diva there is an even crazier drag queen who wants to be said crazy diva....

in other forms of hate....

Hey ya'll I bought me a little dog like Paris has...Does my hair look pretty? I SAID, DOES MY HAIR LOOK PRETTY!

daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, this bitch is ugly. i mean u-g-l-y she ain't go no alibi she ulgy. it's p diddy's mom too....dang....

AMA'S

2004-11-15T13:26:00.000-08:00

The AMA's were last night....blah....I didn't watch because they are annoying and useless. I only like the fashion and that is why things like Getty Images and Lime Light exist so why waste 4 hours of my life watching that shit unfold? Here are my comments on last night's attire...Also Gwen Stefani had her record release party last night as well, a pal of mine went and promised to take pictures to that I could have something to make fun of this week. Let's hope he comes through!

who is this drag queen with eva langoria? i thought she was datin JC Chasez? Oh wait maybe that is JC?

never let them see you sweat, alisha...botox them pits if you gatta...

hey, you, you up there....did you see my sweaty pits?

dang even her tits are sweaty....

wait, get your hands off me, they love me, they really love me, suger pie, smile, for the camera....sugerrrrr piiiieeee

seriously, someone get her out of here, ashanti is ready for her close up...

that is some pimp rock star shit...when you can have your label pay for 6 japanese models plus hair, make up and costumes that is pretty much means your dope.

THE STARS VOTE TOO!

2004-11-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

I am shocked and awed at the amount of backwoods hillbilly fuckos that managed to start the old pick up for once and drive into town just so they could cast thier vote to keep the homos,hippies and heathens in thier place.

I threw up a little bit in my mouth this morning when I turned on the TV and read "Kerry concedes"

In honor of Election Day I would do something a little special to keep our minds of our pending doom under the watchful eyes of the Bushiburton Administration. We all know that more celebrities than ever have come out in support of their preferred candidate this election and have been very vocal about encouraging others to vote. Since we couldn't be there when they actually cast their star powered votes, I thought it might be fun to peek inside the heads of our favorite skanks to see what they were most likely thinking when they were in the booths.

PDiddy;

Man, I should have got my mohawk on, everyone knows I mean business when I rock the mohawk, Nah, nah, Diddy you look fly peep the shirt with the slogan you made, I made up vote or die, I MADE IT UP! I made mill...err inspired millions of young hip hoppers ... Now, let's cast this vote....President, yeah Imma go wit Kerry....*pause looks around* well no one can see me in here, Bush does look out for peeps with fat banks like I gots, shiiiiit, I gots to go with my man who keeps them taxes down woot.. woot!

Tara Reid

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd voting is sooooooo boring. Who told me that Ben Affleck was going to be here? Was it you? You're not Ben Affleck! This is the dumbest party ever? OOOOOhhhh I wonder if they have cocktails in those little booths. *enters booth looks around* Is this coat check? Where is the bar? These napkins are loooong and why is there so much writing on them....Hhhhaaahaaa this one says Bush. I shaved mine cause I thought Ben Affleck was going to be here. Where is my cocktail? Waiter????? MERRRY CHRITHMAS!!!!!!!!!
*funkybizzah's note* and I thought she had turned a new leaf in exchange for a new life.

Britney Spears

"Hey baby, look at me on this magazine...don't i look pretty? Ya'll think that if Kerry becomes president that he will take away airbrushing and photoshop? What Baby? Voting was yesterday? Aww dang...ya'll want to go and get some MacDonalds, they got that Monopoly game going on that's like voting right?"

Ashlee Simpson

This ballot is so long...why are there so many pages? I thought we were just voting for president? I wonder if I need to stay in here the whole time? Will someone come and get me when voting time is done? Am I suppose to mark this myself or does someone do it for me....DADDDDY???? Hmm, I wonder who Jessica voted for. I think I'll just vote Bush, he loves Jesus, my dad loves Jesus and Jesus blessed me with my voice so....also Bush is a funny word...It's fun to say...Bush...hehehehehe.....DADDDDDY??

Paris Hilton

Vote or Die? Um duh, I'd rather die. I don't have to vote because I am a bazillionaire and it really doesn't matter who is president for me cause I am like totally loaded. I mean unless they start draping those tacky voter booths with Chanel brocade or start giving out gift bags at voter registration I am so not showing up. The only reason I am wearing this shirt is because P. Diddy gave it to me and he is like so totally hot and he has the best parties.

DIGITAL AGE

2004-09-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

In this age of bloggery, there is so much hubbub about downloading, ripping, stealing, sharing whatever you want to call it of music online. There are many, many, many blogs that are dedicated purely to music and sharing mp3s. Most of them are awesome and legit, providing artist and labels new ways of spreading buzz about new albums or old albums for that matter. Personally, I see mp3 blogs as the wave of the future. Mp3 blogs are frequented by music freaks who purchase music as well as support the industry in other ways like shows, merch, general tastemaking. If you have these nerds, err tastemakers in your corner chances are your project is a few steps ahead of the game and if that means you have to leak a few mp3s in the meantime why not? Granted there is a bit of grey area, mainly when is it okay to burn an entire album as opposed to simply a song? Well that is a slippery one. Some say you should never rip entire albums. Some say it's just fine as long as you go to the show and buy merch. Some say it's fine to rip entire albums as long as it is out of print or rare. Some say you should never rip anything not even a song. Everyone has an opinion. I am a little all over the place. As a person who makes their living from the production and distribution of independent music, I am opposed to ripping of entire albums even if you go to the show and buy merch. But, I feel like a song here, a song there, it's no skin of my tits and most likely it will drive you to buy the album if you liked the song enough.
Anyhoo, what spawned all this legit, non sarcastic, not hate filled post? Well it was this little flow chart. I like it. I think it is a nice little thought process and may help some of you that have a hard time doing the right thing.

Some mp3 blogs you should check out and listen to:

Music For Robots Easily one of the most influential mp3 blogs. Can be a little heavy on the hipster stuff though.
Scissor Kick NY hipster shit like hella, but does come through with some nice soul gems
The Suburbs Are Killing Us A little to heavy on the dub and jamaican side but they have some cool hip hop and other sample related stuff here.
Cocaine Blunts and Tapes Straight hip hop yo. This dude comes through with classic shit and stuff that i forgot about or never heard to begin with. Hip Hop nerd heavy.
Soul Sides And you thought you liked rare funk and soul? Well O Dub's knowledge of all things funk and funk related will rule all over you. If you talk shit his record collection will spawn feet and then proceed to trample your punk ass.
Stereo Gum This is one is fun cause it is mp3 blog AND a Britney diss machine. The mp3s are a little on the indi steez but we all need a little new love in our lives.
Moistworks Kind of random and all over the place musically. I just found this one so I am not sure what his steez is.

P.S. If I catch any of you bitches ripping any of our albums you are fucking toast. TOAST you hear me?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2004-09-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

Fuck me. I have been trying to get my hate flowing all day, but I keep getting interrupted by work. WTF? It's fucking Tuesday which means it is my time to hate. My time, dammit.

So here I am late in the day trying to sneak in my hatin'.

HEAT: I live in SF for several reasons. The primary reason being the weather. SF has scorned me this week by reaching temperatures in the mid 90s. That's some bullshit. It is not supposed to be that hot here. Sure the East Bay can get some sun like that but here in SF I am suppose to have some damned ocean breeze. Fucking fiery ball in the sky, fuck you guy.

BURNING MAN: Fucking hippies. Fucking weekend raver hippies. Fucking art fags. Fucking acid freaks. Goddamned naked people. You can all keep your fucking dust and no running water playing naked in the sand selves out in that damned desert as long as you want. Don't even try to tell me how great it was. Don't tell me about the epic night where the stars aligned and you saw your future in the eyes of some girl with sunflowers painted on her tits. Don't even attempt to tell me how "it's normally not your thing but now that you've experienced it you will go every year until you die" cause it was just that great. You know why? Cause I don't give a fuck. Yep that's right I don't fucking care. Not even a little bit. Next year don't come back. The city is better without you.

STARBUCKS; Yes I know it is a little passe to hate on Starbucks but my hate this week is directly pointed at their bullshitty sandwhiches. They sent me a coupon to try one of their sammy's for free with purchase of a drink. Since Starbucks is the only coffee shop in this hood and Whole Foods still has not learned the meaning of medium roast I have no choice but to get my caff fix from them. Anyhoo, I tried a sammy and basically it was the worst tasting thing ever. Thanks to the lame coupon and my busy day I had a bag of chips for lunch. MMMMM healthy. Now I have heart burn and a bad attitude. Well, I guess I can't blame the attitude on them, but you feel me.

RADIO JOCKS: If I have to talk to one more radio dj and say something like, "yeah man, it's a banger" I am going to punch myself in the face.

STREET CLEANING: I like a clean street as much as the next guy, but there is nothing worse than waking up and realizing that your car is parked on the street that gets sweeped that night. I had to put on a bathrobe and go move my car last night at like 3:30 am, after waking out of a drunken sleep. It was pretty sweet.

DEATH: While I understand it is a part of life, it bums me out. Our beloved shit bag Magic Johnson (the cat not the man) died this weekend. Granted he was about thirteen million years old and we were all prepared for his departure but you can never be ready to see a loved one go. RIP Magic, you little ash eater you.

PLAYERS OF THE WEEK;

Tara Ried
Tara,Tara,Tara ...I know you wanted tits and now you have them. Congratulations. Now let's work on you not showing them to me. These are quite possibly the ugliest boobs I have ever seen in my life. My favorite part is how the left one looks all angry cause it's stretched to shit and it's not even a month old yet. PS. Eat something. If you are confused by this sentence, take a look at the bar a little closer. See those bowls with the twisty things in them, those are pretzels, try one.

Britney Spears
Britney, nice to see you stepping out on the town. Next time why don't you try a little bit harder. Ironing on some hair extensions, over tanning and shaking out a pair of panties does not cultivate look and or style. PS. You have a little bit of Cheeto dust on your mouth, no on the left, yes, there.

How I Love to Hate You......

2004-09-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

"Love and hate such a beautiful combination, Sending shivers make me quiver, Feel it sliver up and down my spine....how I love to hate you......."

Oh Erasure...you are so brilliant, their lyrics have inspired me on so many levels. Anyhoo, I did not have time to write any long epics this week on things I hate, so I decided to live out a fantasy that I have been harboring for quite sometime now. The fantasy is having my own Play by Play fashion criticism show styled after what John Madden does with Monday Night Football. You know what I am talking about, Madden comments on the game using video stills of the game and a white "pencil" that he uses to circle and visually show the audience where the play went wrong. The idea is more or less the same except I would be set up on the streets of a major city shooting live and evaluation people live. So today's entry is like a sneak peek at what I would do if I had this show. I hope you like it.

Bono went very wrong here on several levels. Let's start at the top and work our way down. Skin, a sunburn is not sexy. I don't care who you are. If he has a stylist he obviously did not consult him or her, if he did he would not be sporting double denim at an obviously upscale event (See Jay Z and Beyonce) Also what's going on with that hat? I think he is attempting to cover a bald spot and some terribly fried split ends. With his kind of dough he should be able to spare a few bucks on some leave in conditioner. Finally, nice ponch guy.

The Afflecks. Casey, what the fuck is that on your face? It looks like he is in disguise, a bad disguise. Ben, just cause your brother has a bad stash, doesn't mean it is okay to hit the red carpet sporting bush face. Also note the coke induced sweat beads on Ben's forehead. Not a good look. The main place these two went wrong aside from the obvious facial hair, is the shoes. WTF is on your feet? It is the red carpet put on some damned proper shoes. Last but not least the yellow LIVE STRONG bracelet. If Lance was not porking Sheryl Crow no celeb would be caught dead with that yellow rubber band on. So Ben, lose it.

Look at this train wreck ladies and gentleman. I had to insert numbers here just to keep all the tragedy organized. Let's break it down shall we?
1. "Chic Pea" T Shirt. Ironic t shirt at an event not cool. The worst part is it is not even a shirt it is a tube top. Also not only is Fergie not Chic I don't need to be reminded that she is in the Black Eyed Peas, that is fucking obvious.

2. So I think she is trying to go for a retro meets rock look and basically that is lame. You can't see her pants here but trust me when I say they are cropped and have a fuzzy poodle on one of the legs. My circle here is pointing to the weird leather wrist cuff and the studded belt. Why are these here? Stop trying to be creative now. Right now.

3. Why is this curl here? Paula Abdul called and she wants her ponytail back so they can keep spinning her "Rush, Rush" video on VHI Classics. Oh yeah and she wants her neck scarf back too.

4. What the fuck is happening with your face here? Why are you making this look? What camera are you looking at? Get it together. This face issue is a recurring problem for Fergie.

5. Will. I Am, you are over jushed or dgujing ( however the fuck you spell that term) those suit cuffs, lay off the Queer Eye tips guy. Your look is predictable and over calculated.

6. Again, seriously no need to pop the collar so prominently, a slight upturn of the collar would have been fine here. Although still would have been a little pretentious.

7. You are ugly and should work on not bringing attention to your face. Put those hands down. Also get a hair cut.

8. Are you seriously rocking Elvis glasses? I thought those went away in 99. Oh wait they did. Get some better shades.

Ok so here I have no issues with the clothes or the hair. She looks great, except for one little thing...I know the film is called the Brown Bunny, but you are taking the method acting a little far, no need to make bunny teeth a reality. Insert your favorite blow job joke here.

This is a fine example of how to dress appropriately. Damn Gwen is hot. Turquoise and Red, yes please. I guess that is why Louis Vuitton rocks so hard also real roses are a fucking amazing touch. Props to Adrian for realizing that booze can be an accessory.

Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, when will you learn that we can see your vagina in skirts that short? What the fuck is going on with those shoes, just because they are orange doesn't mean they match. Nice stain by the way, try and avoid spilling Champers on yourself when you are going to be photographed. Also, what the fuck is up with that lonely braid? Are you trying to match your "moccasins" with your hair? Sister please. Finally, here is another shining example of bad photo face. No one may know who she is but at least Nikka Costa knows how to pose and can throw on some heels once in a while.

Kelis, your milkshake may bring the boys to the yard but those gold fronts are sending them right back where they came from. Also there may or may not be a fanny pack involved here.

Notice here how fine both these men are. Benicio my heart also beats for you.....

And lastly....

Sometimes underwear is good.But you are Prince so who am I to fault you?

VMA's....a waste of time? Yes.

2004-08-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ah the VMA's, the most useless award show ever. Yet, every year for the last oh 15 years I have wasted 3 hours of my life watching the members of the popular music community strut their stuff in the name of music. Why do I watch them if I know they are crap? Because, it is full of celeb fodder and gives me three hours+ of unadulterated hating.

I have yet to see a full report with comments on the VMA's yet this morning so I am foregoing my morning routine at work in order to report on all the happenings.

This year the event was in Miami, durrr, so all the celebs showed up on excessive yachts and dressed in white.

The entire production was really, really bad. There were multiple missed audio cues, dead mics, house sound cutting in and out mid performance and the editing was horrid. The whole show looked as if it was being directed and shot entirely by an all ADD crew. Those handheld camera men could not frame a shot if their lives depended upon it. Even worse was the director's inability to direct his shots in a manner that made sense. I could almost hear the chaos going on in the production room as the shots changed, "Ok camera one I need a close up of the singer,no wait, Beyonce is dancing cam 2 can you get a shot, take it, oh wait cam 3 has a close up of P Diddy take 3, oh wait, we need to show the band, cam4 pan across the crowd" It went on and on like that the whole show. The only time the cameras were steady was when a presenter was on the stage. Flarfff, MTV, next time bring your own crew instead of hiring local yahoos from Telemundo 4.

Since the show was a whopping 4 hours....yes 4 hours, I am gonna just kick it bullet style with stuff that is noteworthy otherwise we will be here all day and I have an album coming out next week so I do need to work at one point.

On With the Show:

FASHION:

+ JLo...Bitch please, who the fark do you think you are rocking that lame ass floppy hat again? You are a freaking kazillionaire, you should know better than to rock the same look twice. Also you look a little thicker around the middle, does Marc Anthony have you eating hella arroz con pollo? It looks like it.

+ P. Diddy, ok dude, I get it your rich. Your hella rich and you have celebrity friends, but seriously Bruce Willis? Weren't you all buddied up with Ashton like 5 minutes ago? Are you just waiting in line to hit Demi? I am so confused. Also, seriously the mohawk is not sexy. It was cool for the marathon or whatever but it is not ok to rock that on a day to day basis. Can we get his people a memo? Props tho for crashing the Black Eyed Peas, pre show interview. Nobody cares. Fluxblog refers to him as "Lookin like a high society Mr. T." Well said.

+Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. Ironic t shirt at an award show? Not a good look. Surely you have a stylist, and if she picked that out then fire her. At least you wore pants tho...

+ Jay Z. Damn. Can you do no wrong? Why are you so damn fresh all the time? You are the only one who properly worked the Carribbean whites. Your suit was the freshest ever, well except maybe for Big Boi. But seriously you are the baddest muther ever.

+Beyonce, props for repping the Dallas style in a major way - daisy dukes, big blond hair and plenty of gold lame. I don't thing I have ever seen bigger hair on a black woman since Diana Ross. But your shit takes that cake cause it was blonde, blonde,blonde...rock on wit your bad self.

+ Alicia Keys. Finally I understand why you wear braids all the time, you have the worst hair ever. So, so frizzy. Get it braided again and keep it that way.
Nice D & G dress though, it's good to see you not so ghetto fabulous. You could have hooked up a bra of some sort during your performance tho...

+ Mary Coke Head and Snatchly Olsen looked ugggs in their respective potato sacks. I guess that is one way to avoid comments on your stickly bodies.

+ Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. Loose the pastels. Just stop. No more pink. No more Polo gear. Please.

+Lil Kim. Man. What happened? You realize you have a speech impediment now that your lips are so freaking huge right? Also, Donatella Versace called and she wants her hair back.

+ Gwen Stefani. You rule. Turquoise and Red best color combo ever.

+The rest of No Doubt. God bless you for keeping it real and getting wasted on the red carpet and then proceeding to drink through the rest of the show. Next time I see you Adrian you get the biggest hi five ever, jack and cokes on me.

EVERYTHING ELSE:

+ Usher. In classic User style, he got near naked and writhed about on stage while it rained. Didn't Ashanti let it rain last year? Man, MTV needs to step it up and not let artists play themselves out. Also, when there is that much water on the stage we all know you are not singing. That is a buzz kill.

+ Hoobastank. Is it just me or can this guy not sing. Also is it just me or does he look like he totally has downs as in syndrome.

+ Kanye. Ok whatever, you like Jesus, get over it. You also like, hoes, cars and money so I can't really take the Jesus talk from you too. Chaka Khan was a nice touch but she looked a little confused as to what she should be doing on stage.

+ Polyphonic Spree. Is it just me or is this group fucking creepy? I feel like in a year or so we are going to read a headline somewhere to the effect of "Members of pop choir found dead at hands of leader"

+ Carson Daly. Is he still on MTV? Man he looks terrible.

+ R. Kelly was robbed. Step in the Name of Love is the Ultimate R&B song and video. Sure he touched little girls but seriously, the man can write a song.

+ Vivica A Fox. The new Rap video-hofessional? Yep, I think someone is having a mid 40s crisis. Either that or she needs to pay of the tits she bought last year and like any good ho she know a little ass shaking pays the bills. Why else would she play herself out by prancing around on stage with her ass hanging out during Lil John's performance with Ying Yang Twins and Petey Pablo.

+ Lenny Kravitz. Still fine as hell. Thank god you cut that lame perm off. Next time lose the wings bro.

+ Britney. I guess she just couldn't make it. I mean Sunday is the night she stays home eats cheetos and blows Federline.

+ Props to Wayne from Flaming Lips for rocking the Bubble.

+Xtina and Nelly. DAAAAAAMN. That was like 6 minutes of pure hotness. She looked and sounded great. He looked and sounded great. Too bad they lifted the entire instrumental to SuperFly for the new song tho...But you know what I still really, really enjoyed it. It was the best performance.

+ Alicia Keys, Lenny Kravitz and Stevie Wonder performed Higher Ground. Nice performance but seriously I am a little over Alicia as the darling of musical legends. So she can play the piano...too bad 80 percent of her songs include piano samples written by artists from like 30 years ago. Just because she plays them live doesn't mean she wrote them.

+ LL Cool J...we get you have an album coming out. I guess you need to pay for all that face work somehow. Now lose the models with TVs on their shirts.

+ Dave Chapelle. God bless you.

+ Gwenyth Paltrow holy mammers. Nice ones. Pregnancy pays off.

+ Big Boi. As I mentioned earlier, looked fucking great. Clean ass suit. He makes Andre 3000 look like a crazy crack salesman. Nicely done.

Where'd ya get an ass like that....

2004-08-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention by that Stacy Ferguson aka Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas was on Kids Incorporated. This comment totally catalyzed this massive mental throw back to when I was about 7 or whatever. I used to totally watch that show and I hated that bitch then too. She was so annoying. No wonder I still hate her. It also made me remember about the group Wild Orchid, comprised of Stacy Ferguson, Renee
Sandstrom and Stephanie Ridel, who were all on Kids Inc. Wild Orchid was a mildly successful r&b trio that emerged during the whole boy band teeny bopper music era in the 90s. They were on Disney Channel a lot and basically sold records to little girls who's moms didn't want them listening to the more grown up and talented Destiny's Child.

Ever since Fergie magically appeared in the "Where is the Love" video I have been wondering where the fuck she came from and how they found her. With my recent revelations, it occurs to me that the A & M / Interscope A & R man must have been scouring the pop scene for a singer who could pass as "ethnic", had a good body and could sell the "urban female" image and generally sex up the otherwise unattractive Black Eyed Peas. Exit Stacy Ferguson, enter Fergie. My inner record label guy secretly adores this faceless A & R man for turning BEP into a major phenom that has been selling loads and loads of records. But my inner hip hop fan and hater really wants to punch that A & R man in the face because now I have to look at that hoo-ra on my damned TV ever fucking 5 minutes. Maybe I should scour the pee wee R & B ranks for a slightly ho-ish yet down to earth songstress to add to the Lifesavas roster? Then maybe we can sell like a bazillion copies and I can be rich for once. Or maybe not. I ain't going out like no punk ass bitch.

In other news Beyonce has a fat ass. Obviously this goes without saying but seriously folks it is really a sight to be seen. I mean check it out;

Girl, come on you know that little hand is not coverin' up all that!

I love that she still tries to rock a bikini that is obviously cut for a white girl with absolutely no ass at all.

It's like her ass is in a serious fight with that bikini. I love it. I betcha Britney wished her ass looked like that. Too bad hers has hella cellulite.

But seriously folks, I love Beyonce. All comments about her ass are in support of it's beauty. Besides, she is a cold pimp I mean who else gets Jay Z to fetch them bottles of water while they tan on the stern of his million dollar yacht docked in the South of France while wearing massive diamond and pearl chandiler earrings? No one but Beyonce. She is my new idol.

Wanna see more? Click here

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IT'S HATER TUESDAY

2004-08-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

Holy crap today has been a day, let me tell you!

There is plenty of work related shit that I could gripe on about but that really would not be very professional now would it. Fortunately there is plenty to hate on including but not limited to

1. Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas. I never really like the Black Eyed Peas but ever since Fergie ( evidently it is short for Sara Ferguson, pvfffft. I guess Fergie is more street ? ) came on board I have found the Black Eyed Peas even less enjoyable. She is weird looking and can't seem to find a skirt long enough to cover her ass. She always looks like a broke ass fly girl from In Living Color. Bitch Please. The Superficial doesn't like her either...good for them.

2. The Olympics. Yes, The Olympics. The Olympics are fucking stupid and a waste of programming space. I don't get it. No one cares about lame sports like handball, ping pong, underwater basket weaving or bocce ball when it is not Olympics time so why the fuck should we care now? I know it is suppose to be about fostering peace through sports or whatever but I am not buying it. America is a big asshole and not even the Olympics can change that. I am not proud to be an Americana so why the fuck should I care if we win the gold for In Line Skating? Is that going to stop us from bombing people cause they stepped on our new kicks? I don't think so. The Olympics can eat a dick.

3. Blue Cross So yours truly is a big fat lump and evidently I am such a lump that Blue Cross will not insure me. Yes people I got a big ol letter telling me I was denied coverage because I am "5' 8" and 220lbs" I am really 5' 8.75" but who's counting. According to their policy I must maintain a weight of 210 lbs for a minimum of 6 months and then take a physical and shit to document my less fatness in order for them to consider me. WTF? So basically, I am going on a diet. I need to lose weight period so I am using this as a motivator to eat less, move more and generally stop being a lard ass. Will it work? Who knows?

4. Laundry It's a real pain in the ass. Is it not? Fuck laundry clothes need to learn how to wash themselves.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK:

Goddamn does it get better than this? Fuck yes Britney, this look says, "It's My Prerogative" alright. No one is the boss of you, no one is gonna keep you down, your Britney fucking Spears. Who cares if that shit is falling down, I mean you wore panties this time right? Where's your Kabballah braclet? Or did you trash it now since Madonna has a mini beef with those spiritual fucks? Or maybe your skanky BF picked this little number out for you, I mean its all easy access right? Right!

Donger...

2004-08-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

All this for a steak?

2004-08-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

So yesterday after work I decided to go to Safeway and get myself a steak. I mean I work hard, I earned the money, I deserve some effin steak now and again. Right? Right. So like I was saying, I was walking through the parking lot at Potrero Center when I got stopped by two "young entrepreneurs" who were washing windows to earn money for school supplies. I was chatting with them explaining to them that my car was so dirty that even if they washed the windows my car would still be dirty. Logically, that would not be smart spending choice fora smart shopper like myself. I explained this to them as the reason why I really should not give them any money to buy crack, errr school supplies. During this conversation, I continued walking towards the store and was not really paying attention to the ground below me. Neglectfully, I walked right into the massive pile of unidentified metallic goo that was covering the ground in front of me. Needless to say, I went down like Britney on Federline with a lap full of Cheetos, face first onto the ground. It must have been hilarious to watch. There I was my Burberry knock off bucket bag flayling in the air, my legs going out from underneath me and my hands thrusting onto the ground in order to stop me from eating pavement. Luckily I only ended up jacking my knee. I didn't even spill the contents of my purse!
Anyhoo, I walked into Safeway bloody knee and all, marched right up to the customer service desk and told the dude there all about my spill. He seemed very disinterested and did not even offer me an effin' band aid. At the time I was more concerned about getting my fucking steak and getting home to clean my shit up. But now in hindsight I wish I had asked to see a manager or something I mean when I got home and cleaned it up I realized how yucky it was. I mean this is not stiches worthy but it is all swollen and gnar gnar. Check it out...and yes asshole that is my leg with all the hair on it...I live in SF we wear pants a lot.

So the big question is do I a) get over it and stop my whining, b) go back to Safeway with my photos of the goo and my knee and my experience and ask to speak to a manager about it or c) skip all that crap and get a lawyer and get to suin' I'll let you decide.

In other news, I came to work this morning and on the big garbage can outside my building was this weird stickers:

I was like WTF? Upon closer inspection I realize this was a street promo item for some movie :

I looked the movie up online and evidently it is a new "black comedy" starring Eve, Ja Rule, Queen Latifah, Tim Meadows, Farrah Fawcett (wtf???) and Danny Glover ???? I watched the trailer and seriously people this is some fucked up spin off of the Barbershop movies. I am pretty sure some white dude in a suit was watching Barbershop 2 and saw the scene where they are BBQing and said to himself, "There is something here, I say feel good movie of the summer people! Let's get Latifa involved it will be a smash !" Anyhoo, I say ass movie of the summer, will someone please tell Eve not to act anymore and while they are at it send Ja Rule a memo about his 15 minutes being up. Damn.

And finally for today I will leave you with this:

l have mentioned before how much Hilary Duff reminds me of Jenna Jameson. No one ever cosigns on that shit, so I decided to make with some proof. Take a look people and you tell me if they don't look really, really similar.

All business all day...All party all night....

2004-08-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

There really is not anything funnier than a Hescher in a suit. I can only hope that you too have seen this at least once in your life. You can always tell he is a full time Hescher from the hair. Most Hessian day laborers normally try to disguise their alternative lifestyle by tying back their scraggly hair in a pony tail of some sort. For instance this guy at work probably wears his hair something like this guy or this guy. The pony tail in combination with some sensible dockers and a button up with a bad comic book motif is usually the hescher's work attire. However, sometimes you get to see all of the above with an actual button up shirt that does not involve flames and or swords or a bad tribal print.

This morning I witness yet another breed of the Hescher, the Hescher business man. Dude was rocking a full suit with his stringy long mane flowing free, no pony at all. His hair was the most crucial part of his look. It was over processed (ultra blonde), really ratty with like a million split ends, and despite the obvious thinning it remain unteathered. It was a sight to be seen let me tell you. If only I had a camera phone so that I could have taken a picture to show you all.

His Hessian pride warmed my heart and inspired me to dedicate the entire day to all things Metal. So here it goes...check out this fucking sweet ass link to some true Hessian Love

You should also watch Heavy Metal Parking Lot if you have never seen it before. (If you have not seen it, you should slap yourself right now and seriously realize that you will never be able to list yourself as a Hescher 1984 - ??? on your Rock n' Roll resume )

Also you may really want to check out the 10 Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics of All Time. I really like this one a lot. I can tell by the look on his face that his double bass drum kicks are the fastest. I also like how his fly is kinda open.

Also since behind every great Hessian Man there must be a strong Hessian woman there is always Realms of The Unholy Trinity which is a site all about Satanic Bitches...errr Women including escort services for those who require satanic love on the spot. Don't forget to check out the spells page....there are some sweet spells on there.

I'll leave you with this photo...I don't know who he is but I think I am in love...look at how his eyes roll back in his head.

Metal for life brah.....

Mary Cokehead and Snatchly Olsen in the Muffia??

2004-08-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure this is clever photoshop work, but I am going to post it anyway. Popbitch did and they are geniuses. I also am not quite sure which one this is but either way I think it's funny.

Holy Dildo Britney!

2004-08-18T17:21:00.001-07:00

"That Britney Spears has a right mouth on her...
The 22-year-old singer left motormouth Popword presenter Simon Amstell speechless during a recent interview.
When he asked her what was the last thing she'd had in her mouth, she replied "a dildo".

Simon says: "I was doing this interview with Britney and I had my usual set of silly questions. I thought her answer would be something like chicken escalope." The Channel 4 star said her response was a surprise. But he revealed: "Anyway, her people stepped in and cut that bit out." ( www.mirror.uk.org)

What a ho bag.

Speaking of hobags, member yesterday when I posted those comments about Lindsey Lohan being a drunken snatch face in Las Vegas? Well it looks like there are photos now to support the stories(that's what you get when you get wasted in a public place and then treaten to kick your fans asses)...What a wasted underage snatch...if she is not drunk in these pictures than I must be the nicest most patient bitch on the planet...and you know that is a lie. (via The Superficial)

Ladies and Gentleman it's Hater Tuesday

2004-08-17T15:18:00.000-07:00

Hate is the new love and Tuesday is the new Friday, so there you have it people Hater Tuesday. There is so much great stuff to hate this week I am going to delve right on in.....

Blue Plate - Damn I hate restaurants with reputations that are better than their food. Blue Plate is so one of those places where everyone and their grandma wants to have a dinner because they heard someone say it was soooo gooood. They are trying to do the whole upscale comfort /white trash food with urban elegance and charm, but it just is not working. They building is nice enough, they have a nice little patio or whatever but the food is overpriced and underwhelming. And let's be honest people I go to restaurants for the food not the fucking patio...18 dollars for a pork chop and badly sauteed greens with cheap proscuitto is not sexy. Also, had dinner there last night and totally got food poisoned.

Blondes Going Brunette - Hella skeevy Hollywood hoes are all dying their hair black to shed drama and earn a little distinction. See Ashlee Simpson, Haylie Duff, Nicky Hilton, Reese Witherspoon, Christina Aguilera (although she may be back on the blonde train soon) and there are more but even thinking about them makes me want to scream

Tara Reids Boobs - If I have to see these tits one more time this week I am gonna personally track her ass down, lure her into a van with promises of stiff cocktails and discount handbags and then I am going to booby box her so hard she is gonna wish she was flat again.

Lindsey Lohan - The more I look at this bitch the less I believe that she is only 18. This tramp has muther -effin' crows feet and shit. Do a little research man, yo will see what I am talking about. Also she is a hate filled bitch who doesn't know how to act right. In the last week she has been reported as throwing a tantrum at a local LA eatery and getting wasted and threatening fans with violence. What a ho..... I hope she gets knocked up with Fez's baby and gets fat.

Violence in the Mission District - Folks are getting shot left and right. The damn gangs are out of control right now. You could not pay me to go have a drink in the Mission while all this shit is happening. I am gonna keep going out where it's safe...in the Tenderloin...I mean there at least all I have to worry about is crack heads and Tranny hookers taking me for a little spare change.

Player of the week : Scarlett Johannassen

The Superficial reminded me today of how rad Scarlett Johanassen is. I mean there is that whole husky voice and fantastic natural tits thing she has going on, and then there is that "I'll fuck who I want, when I want" thing she has going on. Back in May she nailed one of my ultimate hotties Benicio Del Toro in an elevator at some Oscar party. The press totally dissed her as a new Hollywood slut bag but not me man, not me. Benicio is a hot piece of distinguished Puerto Rican ass that I would be proud to tap any day. Scarlett Juwannahumpmeintheassagain has obviously moved on since then but I never properly rewarded her for her stellar performance in that elevator. That is why she is my player of the week. By the way that picture of her in the teal dress, well that is the dress that she had pulled up over her head while she and Benicio did the nasty...you go girl

Random Props: This week's random props go to Paris Hilton for keeping it real. Her chest that is. I mean she could very easily have a new set of tits on a weekly basis, but no she rocks those A's with pride. Props

I'm Dead Bitch....

2004-08-06T14:54:00.001-07:00

Well evidently cocaine really is one hell of a drug. Rick James is dead. Like dead, dead. He died of natural causes say the news reports, but we all know extensive cocaine use ain't really that good for you and I am sure it contributed to his downward spiral. I mean dude was only 56.
CNN even says so.

Damn.

I am a little more troubled over this than I had would have expected. It is a shame....

I wish I had some sparkling wine conviently packaged in 4oz cans to ease my pain.

2004-08-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

So America's most misunderstood artist / asshole Vincent Gallo stepped up to defend his Brown Bunny billboard in the NY Times and LA Times. By now you should have seen and or heard what all the fuss is about. But in case you have not, I suggest you get out from under the saftey of your bunker and read the paper sometime.

Here are his choice quotes from both pieces:

"The billboard was designed for sophisticated people who'd understand the aesthetic, the fact that there's subtext and complexity. I guess I forgot about your everyday person — the old man in a Mercedes a friend of mine saw put his hand over his mouth and mime, 'Oh, my God!'"
--LA Times

"Mr. Gallo said the image was no more provocative than those on ads commonly placed by Calvin Klein and Gucci at the same spot. "Mine is not an advertisement for a product where the advertisement and the product have no relationship," he said. "The advertisement and the film have a direct relationship."
--NY Times

um and that direct relationship being your schlong in Chloe Sevigny's mouth?...and how exactly is that related to the aesthetic and complexity of your film? Look pal you convinced one of the trendiest hipster whores in NY to blow you on screen for the sake of "art" and your proud of it. Putting it in the film is one thing, but putting it on a billboard is something entirely different... We all know that billboard is just a giant shot out to yourself.

God damn I hate Vincent Gallo.

Remember when Chloe Sevigny was just a lowly intern for now defunct Sassy Magazine? I do.

2004-08-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

Yes that is a picture of Chris Cornell. And yes, it is there on purpose. How can you deny his hotness? I can't. He is one of my first rock n roll crushes. I listened to Soundgarden's Badmotorfinger today and fell in love all over again. That album rocks. And I am not saying that just because I think he is hot. The album really is a great rock album. Oh yeah and he is hot.

Judging from my internet searches the only people still infatuated with Chris Cornell are me and the Spanish. There were hells of sites from Spain dedicated to Chris Cornell and his various works. Strange.

But all comments about hotness aside, Badmotorfinger is a really great album that I had forgotten about. It is really rocking but not in a cheesy Stone Temple Pilots kind of way. The arrangement on it is incredible and Cornell's vocals are stellar. I suggest you all revisit it with an open mind. Don't bring any of that residual "grunge" state of mind with you. Just listen.

This experience has made me consider that maybe we should start listening to the music we liked back in '91. I think I am going to revist all the albums that reigned supreme on my 14 year old playlist to see how I feel about it now. Besides I am so tired of my current selections it is time to start fillin up ye old iPod with the hits from back in the day...

America, the beautiful?

2004-07-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by stating, I am not an overtly political person. I do take note of the political issues, controversies and I do have a political mind. However, I choose not to speak on it to frequently as it opens up a world of conversations that often annoy and frustrate me. Today, I am going to remove my veil of apathy and speak out for a moment. I have been watching the DNC here and there listening to the speeches and watching all the propaganda and had not really been moved by anyone until last night. I watched Barack Obama speak and was really impressed. He is a pretty dynamic young man with a lot of positive things to say. The thing that really got me was how sincere he was. I mean I believed him when he said the normal cheesy shit like, "If there is a child on the South Side of Chicago that cannot read, I am concerned even if it is not my child" or "If there is an elderly woman who cannot afford to pay for her perscriptions, I am concerned even if she is not my grandmother". There was an element of conviction in his voice and a there is a genuineness about his facial features that just makes me think, "Dude is for real"

I do not doubt that he will win his Senate seat for the state of Illinois. If he looses (that is if the Republican party can find a replacement for the dude who dropped out because of a sex scandal...see I told you I pay attention) I will be terribly upset and surprised because it will basically means that Illinois is full of racist farks who can't see past the color of his skin.

Anyhoo Obamy...which is what I am going to call him from now on has his own bloggy....

In other news, Kimora Lee Simmons got busted for getting high and driving fast. I am glad to see that she likes to get high and drive like the rest of us...

Chris Rock has written a spoof album that pokes fun at the current political landscape as well as old favorites like oppression, racial tension and social injustice. I bet it will be funny. It better be.

And I will leave you with this:

Ms. Love has been sentenced to mandatory rehab. Upon exiting the courtroom she blessed the press with some printable gems. When asked about her sentencing she replied, "Well, let's see, America. Can I stop taking pills?". What a champ! She then went on to say, "I've got to stop drinking. This is funny. I mean, it's not funny at all. It's profound. It's deep. But I wanted to know if you think I can do it. I think I can do it." Now that is what I call class. God bless Coutney Love.

2004-07-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

Dang. Paris and Nick are over? Man, I really though those two had something real. I mean how often is it that two marginally talented singer/actors meet and fall in love? A love like theirs only happens once maybe twice if your lucky or have a good publicist. Thier relationship gave me hope. I would see them and think, "Maybe one day it will happen to me!"

On the bright side, at least Paris will start tramping around again. With Courtney in the looney bin, Britney getting hitched and Christina balding there is simply not enough trampiness going on around here.

We need a need a new celeb whore and we need her quick.

Sorry about your luck!

2004-07-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

I hope she looks good in stripes cause Martha's going to jail...

Bwooooahahahahhahahhaha
Bwoooooahahahahhahahahaha

Oh Courtney, when will you learn?

2004-07-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

It looks like the rock star everyone loves to hate has got herself in a little bit more trouble. If you are lazy and don't want to read the linked article, Ms. Love has now been appointed a legal guardian! Yes a guardian! She is 40 years old and she has a guardian! Man on man...does it get any better than that. Basically she can be even more fucked up now and it is all the job of the guardian to make sure she does not eat a handful of glass or pills for that matter. She is really carrying the crazy celeb torch all by herself. No one here in America appreciates her psychotic genius, thank god for the Japanese. They have recognized her looniness and have turned her into a cartoon

Let's take a journey through her various looks shall we?

Wha? Happen'd?? Courtney:

Glossy Courtney:

I had some really great pictures of Ms. Love all wasted and one great one of her inadvertantly showing the world her cooter at the MTV Movie Awards but the links expired due to some wierd internet voodoo placed by the keepers of the sites where I found em. I guess they know what gold they are and they don't feel like sharing. I'll find some good replacements though so don't worry your pretty little heads.

Man I love Courtney....she is so great.

Not to toot my own horn or anything...

2004-07-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

But seriously folks I am a freaking genius. It was not but a week ago when I posted my story about celeb siblings and now looky here Netscape Celebrity pages has a news story about famous siblings. Netscape however does not really address the schnozz issues. Where were these pictures when I needed them last week. I had to spend hours scouring the internet for the couples and now right here in one place there are all these photos of the sibs together...

Ugly little sisters....

RIP Brando...

2004-07-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

Marlon Brando is dead man. Many people are disgusted by Brando but not me! I have always been fascinated by Brando he was such an old school hottie and he has a real sense of mystery about him. Granted there is no excuse for The Island of Dr. Moreau but let us not forget a Street Care Named Desire or the Godfather, Viva Zapata, Apocalypse Now and The Ugly American. Those are all great films mostly due Brando's stellar performance.

Check out the retro hotness...

Now that Brando is gone, I think there will finally be a resurgence of respect for the old dog. No more parodies on South Park, no more creepy fat guy jokes. I really anticipate a bunch of tribute stuff. Like this.

So in honor of the man I suggest that you all sit back, smoke a cigar and have a ham sandwich in honor of Brando.

Ugly siblings...

2004-07-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is there an outbreak of little sisters riding big sister coattails into the entertainment biz happening? I blame it on Mary Coke Head and Ashley OIsen. They made the whole sister act cute and marketable. Now every popstar and their sibing is trying to cash in on their cuteness. We got Solange and Beyonce, Hillary and Haylie (who the fuck told her she could spell it like that???), Jessica and Ashlee (again wtf? two e's?), Britney and Jaime Lynn, Nick and Aaron Carter (ok so they are not really sisters but you feel me) and the list goes on.

Something I have noticed as of late is the fact that almost all the little sisters are uggs in comparison to thier ultra hot and successful big sisters. There also seems to be an awful lot of bad noses on the lesser famous sisters faces. Take a look for yourselves. I am not lyin' , bitches got schnoz.

In other news, I have a headache. Somebody get me some asprin.

Everyone has opinons...mine are just better.

2004-06-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

Blog shmog. Everyone has their collective panties in a bunch about the whole "Blogging" phenom. Personally, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I suppose folks, and by folks I mean hipsters, techie freaks and music nerds, are thrilled that there is an open forum/market for them to express their wisdom, expertise and otherwise verbally stroke each other on a daily basis regardless of geographical location.

Hmm where does that put me? Well I am not going to lie. I am a music nerd and an asshole. I get off on knowing about shit (music, movies, books, celeb goss ect.) before other people do. I pride myself of my vast knowledge of the current musical landscape. I know famous people (even though I don't like most of them). I don't pay for live music (or recorded music for that matter) very much anymore ( send promos and advances to 690 Fifth Street Suite 208 SF CA 94107 ) and I rarely sit anywhere but in VIP because of my work connections. Damn, I sound like an asshole...but what are you gonna do? At least I am honest.

Ah, honesty. Honesty is the one thing I relish. Be it brutal honesty or carefully articulated honesty, I don't fuck around. If you want the strait dope, I am your girl. With that said, a bulk of my posts will admitabley be derogatory or overwhelmingly emphatic about some person, place or thing that catches my attention. I am an admitted misanthrope. In general, people irritate me and I frequently find myself saying, "I hate everyone". I gain enjoyment in other people's tragedies, misconceptions, sexual deviations and other calamities. Hell that is why I decided to hop on the blog wagon.

I have been posting privately at another place for the last 4 years. I created something called Hater Tuesday. It spawned as a result of my daily rage towards stupid people and things. I decided that I should cull all that rage into a massive hate filled post once a week so that my journal would not be so damned negative. Recently, I have found myself anticipating Tuesdays just so I can post nasty stuff and call people out. Now I am here. You will all be able to wade in the hate filled waters of my bloggery. Bloggery. That is kind of fun to say.

Anyhoo, this has been your introduction. I could give two shits if you liked it or not. I liked it and that is all the fucking matters. Stay tuned for more hateration. And remember, you ain't gatta lie to kick it. Be real people.

funkybiznatch out.